The Penis Blog

Girls talk, and after talking, Amanda posted this blog

And I got to think about penises - as you do..

When a girl first has sex, it's never about her. Misguided fumbles and a selfish adolescent boy don't make it good for the girl. There's a standard progression to a girl's penis introduction -

The rubbing of the penis over the clothes. Here you just imagine what it looks like with no intention of seeing or God forbid, touching the penis

You progress to the quick fumble down the pants. You don't stay long and don't realise the teasing aspect to your actions

Next is the hand job. If you're still a little shy then this is still a fumble under the trousers but eventually you progress to actually taking the penis out. You may still not look at it but it's out there and a shy glance is available for the bold

You eventually get to the oral. This is confusing for some as the title "blow job" is not self descriptive....

Sadly, the penis no longer holds any mystery for me. In my line of work naked men are a frequent daily occurrence.

Ive seen all different shapes, sizes and colours. Ive seen big strapping men who fall short in the penis department and small skinny wimps who are hung like the proverbial donkey.

Washing is an art. Unconscious is best. You can just get on with it. However unconscious doesn't mean dead and I firmly believe the penis is one of the last muscles to stop working. It's best not to be too vigourous with the sponge bath or you can't let visitors back on till the tent sheet goes down

Awake is a different matter. However professional I am I never know what to call a penis. As I see it, if they can use their hands they can wash it themselves. So, I shove a flannel in their hands and say "here, now you can wash your...." I usually end up saying something stupid like "bits". If they cant manage themselves then it goes two ways. After you tell them where you are going with the soap they either grip their sheet to their groin for dear life or throw the sheet off in wild abandon and practically shove it in your face. And nothing can match the embarrassment when a patient just can't control his penis as you are washing it.

Luckily there are few penis stories in my hospital humour repertoire - but the few I have I will share

There was the time working on ITU when we'd just extubated a young head injury lad. As he slowly woke from his sedation haze, I was later told to take his catheter out. One look under the sheet told me all I needed to know and I handed the syringe to the anaesthetist. "Uh, you take it out" says me. "why.." " He, uh, has a , um, well....oh God, look, he has a massive hard on and I'm not touching it. Be a man and you do it"

I also have to admit to feeling a little excited when I was going to see my first black penis. I wanted to know if the stories were true. They weren't.

My favourite story concerned my then boss, me and a regular terminal patient we used to admit frequently. Only 19 and ill most of his short life. We always gave him a side room so his mates could all visit and he would feel more comfortable. One shift my boss, a male, came rushing up all red in the face and exclaimed that X was playing with himself. I shrugged and said to leave him alone but he stormed up to the closed door and opened it. Over his shoulder I could see X doing some serious hand work with the sheet half covering him. As he heard the door open he turned around.....to reveal a games joystick in his hand.

The only thing that still fascinates me about penises is learning that Americans circumsise as a regular thing. I thought it was just Jews. My only ever experience with a circumsised dick has been an American one. I still can't fathom why you mutilate your children. So, I guess if Helly gets her way and I move to America to work when the kids are older, I'll once again be excited at the thought of a penis

On reading this, a male friend enquired - why is it that the shape and apperance of men's penis are always paramount but the vagina of women are never mentioned?

My answer - men dont care what it looks like as long as they get one..

Hmm, on closer inspection, I think hes an American...