Taffy's Tales From Wales

Whenever I post nudity, someone walks past Michaels computer

2008-07-18T23:19:00.002+01:00

Which has nothing to do with this post but he just IM'd me it and I laughed.

No, this is not me with Jonny, and it's not a future pic of me and Jack. I know, my dates are becoming confusing to you all....

This is me with who I pulled at the wedding.

cute huh?

I feel like that guy I blogged about with the real dolls....

Charity May Begin at Home but Where Does it End?

2008-04-30T18:12:00.000+01:00

A young kid just knocked my door. Kooky looking pre teen with bunches in her hair and a wide smile. She held out an envelope.

" Do you want to give a donation to leprosy?"

I looked dubiously at the envelope - did she want skin maybe or a spare limb I had lying around.....

But no, as I already knew as Bethan is participating, she wanted cold hard cash for a sponsored "Get Fit" thingy the school is running to raise money for a leprosy charity.

This is in addition to the many non school uniform days they have with a payment for charity. Comic relief, Sport relief, Jeans for genes, Children in need - the list is endless. Why did I pay the extortionate prices for their monogrammed school uniform when they never seem to wear the bloody things?

Don't get me wrong, I am a donator to charity. I give regular sums to my chosen charities. I even sponsor an agrophobic collie dog called Sam......

I have blogged previously of the charity collectors that run rampage on my City shopping High Street. Dodging the buggers is a fine art I have perfected that involves walking more miles than needed by constantly weaving in complex patterns around them. Yes, I realise the companies think having good looking young men and fresh faced pretty girls smiling at you like they really like you will work and I'm guilty of having a quick ogle, but it wont make me part with my bank details.

It's fairly obvious that I'm not going to give my limited spare cash to just anyone. Which brings me to a point I've been pondering for a while.

Why do normal Americans give money to political candidates campaigns? I don't get it.

I applaud Ryan and Michelle's efforts in canvessing. I appreciate they give up their spare time to support something they believe in. Stick a placard in your front yard or a poster in your window. Go to a rally and throw your panties at Obama. But money?

Of course, the all singing, all dancing campaigns are not something we are used to over the pond. So, we get the stories of how extravagant these campaigns are. We've had stories of Clinton babes spending $7000 on doughnuts, another of a party that bought up every shovel in a snow bound state so only their voters could get to the polling station. We watch the banners and streamers and all marching bands in wonderment really.

And laugh at you.

So, if any American wants to explain to me why you give them dosh to pay for some college intern's doughnut please do.

10 stories that should be April Fools...

2008-04-01T19:37:00.000+01:00

But aren’t. Taken from today’s BBC news website HERE (if you want to get to the penguin link)

Here is a round-up of some of the day’s seemingly spoof news stories which are actually true (and one that isn’t).

1. A new pay-per-view funeral service scheme is being launched today. The Daily Mail says the scheme at Southampton Crematorium allows mourners to grieve from home by watching proceedings online.

2. A turtle is addicted to nicotine. He became addicted after picking up the smouldering butts in his owner’s garden, in Kouqian, China, and sulks if he doesn’t get his fix. The Daily Express, which picked up the story from Chinese news agency Xinhua, includes a gob-smacking picture of the turtle doing a rather good impression of Dot Cotton.

3. The menopause is caused by the age-old battle between wives and mothers-in-law, reports the Times. As long as 50,000 to 300,000 years ago, competition for food in a family unit was a battle won by the younger women who fed their offspring, which led to the older women losing their ability to breed. With food hard to find, mothers-in-law tended to help rear the grandchildren rather than have more children themselves.

4. An injection that allows women bigger and better orgasms by increasing the size of the mysterious G-spot is being launched in the UK, says the Sun. The £800 collagen jab takes less than half-an-hour and is given under local anaesthetic.

5. School desks and chairs are to be enlarged to meet the needs of the UK’s ever-heavier schoolchildren, reports the Express. On average British children are a centimetre taller than they were 10 years ago, and there are more obese youngsters, so desks supplied to UK schools will reflect this.

6. Wind turbines or solar panels built by UK companies anywhere in the world could count towards Britain’s renewable energy targets under controversial government proposals, according to the Financial Times.

7. You will soon be able to have a tattoo on your teeth, reports the Sun. Steve Heward, the dentist who started the craze in the US plans to set up in Britain.

8. The traditional Chinese martial art T’ai Chi can help control diabetes, reports the Daily Mail. Apparently, researchers have found the flowing movements and deep breathing involved can result in a fall in blood sugar levels.

9. A thief walked out of a busy Norwegian aquarium with a crocodile that was over two feet long, says the Independent.

10. Drinkers have been banned from calling barmaids "love". An outraged Daily Star says new discrimination laws mean landlords that allow punters to chat up staff could be hauled before a tribunal and face unlimited fines.

And finally, a genuine spoof. Have you heard the one about the penguins that can fly? A BBC camera crew filming a colony of Adelie penguins were astonished when they did something "no other penguins can do" and took to the Antarctic skies

If anyone would like to donate to a collection in order for me to put number 4 to the test, I take cash, cheques or paypal. I’m willing to test it out for you guys because that’s just the giving girl I am

I Was Young Once

2008-04-01T01:21:00.003+01:00

Despite already being teased for these pictures, I shall blog them anyway so you can all have a go....

Lisa as a chubby one year old with her daddy

Me at about 19

And finally me at Nursing School graduation - I was 21

Sorry Ev no pictures of my ass..

Posh Leather Prince Charming

2008-03-28T22:36:00.002Z

Media frenzy is at a pitch as the Beckhams return to Britain from LA for gorgeous hunky Mr Beck’s 100th England cap. Mrs Beck was photographed in London shopping in her tiny sized, very tight, leather pants.

Now, on first viewing of these photos I had 2 thoughts

1. Is that hand in front of her foof hiding camel toe??

and

2. When will she stop copying my hair style?

And then I realised - it’s not just my hairstyle shes stealing, and she’s way, way behind me in the leather trouser fashion stakes...

It was 1981, I was 11.

Ant mania had swept the land and I was not immune to their charm. I was Ant crazy. Adam Ant was my first celebrity crush. I had the albums or as Bethan calls them those big black CDs, I had the wall covered in posters. I had the patch sewn onto my jeans (remember them...) and I had THE OUTFIT.

Yes, the outfit.

Black leather(ette) trousers and white blouse with frills to die for. Gaudy long gold(ish) chains. Black boots.

Black eyeliner and a thick white stripe across my nose.

I thought I was the shit.

So, when told I had to go shopping with my mother and my sister I took off my huge can headphones, stopped listening to my Prince Charming and dawdled downstairs. In the outfit.

Older sister stared and opened her mouth. Mother shussed her, sighed heavily and exclaimed they really didn’t have time....

I didn’t really notice they walked 50 yards behind me all day. I just saw the wide beams of fellow shoppers and smiled smugly to myself thinking I must have looked so cool......

and for those who need a nostalgic look back at the 80s gods that were Adam and the Ants, here’s a little taste

Ant mania didn’t last much longer for me and soon I turned my loyalties to Duran Duran. But I still look back at those highly embarrassing times.

Oh and speaking of embarrassing moments - check out The Lounge over the weekend and try to guess which friends you can recognise....

Bunnies and Chicks

2008-03-23T18:13:00.000Z

Happy Easter

Buns

2008-03-21T19:43:00.000Z

Hot Cross buns

one a penny

two a penny

Hot Cross buns

if you have no daughters

give them to your sons

one a penny

2 a penny

Hot Cross buns

Having explained to numerous Americans what they are, I thought I’d blog them.

Cut in half and buttered. Toasted they are yummy. We eat them on Good Friday.

The cross on top is supposed to be for that guy nailed to the cross thing yeah?

As for the song - not a clue - as Brian said - You Brits have funny songs.....

And just for fun - when I searched for hot cross buns on photobucket I got this....

Penguins, Ladybugs and Departed Old Friends

2008-03-19T22:54:00.001Z

As I’ve blogged before, I’m no Mother Earth. I love my kiddiewinkies but am not the kind of mother that can make a mouse costume out of sticky back plastic, string and 4 tin cans. So when they left primary school I sighed a huge sigh of relief. No more staying up all night to make costumes because I’d forgotten to do them and no Eisteddffods to have to make crafty stuff and Welsh cakes. Well, I mean help but if you’re a mum you know you do the brunt of the work and your kid just holds the tape...

So, I was bloody pissed off yesterday when Bethan came home from school. She had last week off with chicken pox and informed me she had to make a 3D animal by Wednesday as an arts’ project.

And she wanted to do a penguin...

So hastily paper mache a balloon we did. And put it in the airing cupboard to dry overnight. This afternoon after school, we started painting it - and it sank and collapsed - not enough paper mache.

Ideas flew, google was initiated and then Bethan had a bright idea. Well, she stole it from a girl who said she’d made a spider from a tennis ball.

We did a ladybird!

So - a tennis ball, some pva glue and red paint, cotton buds (Q Tips to you guys??), a couple of white drawing pins and a black felt marker later and we ended up with this - courtesy of Jessica’s camera phone as my batteries are gone in my camera

cute or what.....

Also, on the subject of animals, I want to say bye to an old friend who was put to sleep this morning as she had liver failure and was really suffering. My parents’ dog, Black Beauty, a rescue greyhound.

You’ll be missed, especially by your favourite cwtcher and stroker

Night princess

My Small Welsh Army

2008-03-03T19:36:00.000Z

I spent most of the St Davids/Mother's day weekend in bed with the flu and a bad back. I ventured out of my bed periodically when I needed a back position change. I did put my red PJs on.

But some people made an effort and here they be

Helly

Jenna

Scot

Catch and M2

You all look great - thank you for making an effort. I will amend if more pics come in.

More Politics from a Brit's Perspective

2008-03-02T15:15:00.002Z

I bloggged the previous blog post on My Space and got a flurry of comments, mostly from my friends across the pond.It's odd that a blog on politics gets a flurry of comments - more than a previous post on men in kilts...

I've been struggling to blog for a while. Willow keeps telling me to blog something fantastically witty like I used to on Grab but I don't seem to have the ideas anymore. I also neglect my blogger blog which I prefer as the myspace blog seems to generate more comments. Although according to my tracker, I mostly generate views on Blogger from people googling big boy or penis. Oh and one googled anal foot sex and arrived at my blog. Suggestions are welcome if theres anything you want me to blog about.

So you prefer politics to kilts? Ok

Here's more British humour - yes with a U - about American politics - Ev e-mailed me this a while ago and while I usually avoid forwarded junk email I did appreciate this one..

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese

To: The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
Only He can.

John Cleese

Now I Think I get It...

2008-03-02T15:13:00.001Z

The past few weeks Ive been trying to comprehend American politics. I don't get it. I kinda get British politics to a fashion but Democrats and Republicans and all the campaigning stuff confuses me.

But a fellow Brit has helped me enormously with his short guide and I thought I'd copy it here to help anyone else confused. It's from my favourite singing anaesthetist Suman amateur transplants blog

Oh what a job it is....

So there's this big lump of land over to the west of Ireland... and the rules say that you can't have the same idiot in charge of it for more than 8 years so now the people who live there have to pick someone new to start all the wars. The newspaper people are very happy because they won't have to try hard all year to get any news stories.

There are two main teams, and there are lots of games to play to see who will be the leader of each team.
One side are being very brave because they want to pick someone who's a bit different to all the other leaders before; they are going to choose between a man who's daddy is from Kenya and woman who's husband used to be leader. So really it's kind of a competition to see whether the country is more racist or sexist.

Both of the people who want to be in charge of the team travel around the country and talk a lot. Meanwhile the newspaper, telly & internet people try & make the whole thing more exciting by finding old pictures & stories and by pretending they said or did stuff that they didn't.

The other teams are boring. But the leader of the other big team will probably win overall because everyone will be fed up by the time they have to choose. Or too confused.

Anyway, that's the backstory.

There's a big news website over there that was trying to explain the whole thing a few weeks ago... and must've got bored because by the end of the article they were talking about Amateur Transplants!!

Here's what they wrote.

Welsh World Domination Part 2

2008-02-29T20:06:00.001Z

Yes, it's that time of year again. I got really excited when I found an ecard and Ive sent it to everyone I have an email for. But if I don't have your email - and if not, why not? - heres a link to the greeting

Happy St David's Day

Oh and send me pics if you wear red, or cwtch a daffodil, or eat leek soup, or drink from a welsh mug. If you missed last years aim for World Domination check out here

College Valentines

2008-02-08T21:02:00.000Z

I don't like Valentines Day. It's totally over commercialised. When you can buy a Valentines card for your dog, things are seriously wrong. Unless you are fucking your dog and then your problems are far more severe and you need help. Yes, it's true I have no man to spoil and woo me on Valentines Day but that really has nothing to do with it. Call me bitter and twisted if you wish.

Willow and I were discussing our aversion to Valentines Day and I mentioned I once had my very own romantic Valentine gesture. She encouraged me to blog it. So here it is...

I was 16 and in my first year of college. College meant more boys which was fun.

Christmas was the college ball and at this ball I snogged a nice boy. In fact, I think I snogged a fair few nice boys and the night ended with my very drunk boyfriend finishing with me, which saved me doing it, buts thats not what this story is about.

So, after this party we all used to hang out in college. Me, the guy I snogged, my best mate Ali, her cousin Andrew who was his best friend and a few others. Its ironic I can't remember the crushes name but remember Andrews but there you go, teenage girls are fickle. I hardly spoke to Andrew. I remember he wanted to be a pilot. He was, well, just there really.

Time moved on to February. The 14th to be exact. I walked into college and was met by a flustered Andrew who handed me a card and fled. I grinned, expecting it to be from his mate. I had after all spent 6 weeks flirting and using my feminine charms to snare him.

I opened the card. It was handmade. Not this guys style. It was beautiful. Not mushy or overly romantic, just beautiful. I opened it and there was a huge poem written inside. Song lyrics explained Ali, REO Speedwagon, one of Andrews favourites. And the writing was his...

I can't fight this feeling any longer.

And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.

What started out as friendship,

Has grown stronger.

I only wish I had the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.

I said there is no reason for my fear.

Cause I feel so secure when we're together.

You give my life direction,

You make everything so clear.

And even as I wander,

I'm keeping you in sight.

You're a candle in the window,

On a cold, dark winter's night.

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

It's time to bring this ship into the shore,

And throw away the oars, forever.

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

And if I have to crawl upon the floor,

Come crushing through your door,

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.

I've been running round in circles in my mind.

And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,

Cause you take me to the places,

That alone I'd never find.

And even as I wander,

I'm keeping you in sight.

You're a candle in the wind,

On a cold, dark winter's night.

And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

It's time to bring this ship into the shore,

And throw away the oars, forever.

Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore.

I've forgotten what I started fighting for.

And if I have to crawl upon the floor,

Come crushing through your door,

Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore

Can't Fight This Feeling Lyrics Artist: REO Speedwagon

So, is there a romantic ending to this tale of secret love?

Uh, no. I was 16. I shoved it in my bag and pretended it never happened. We said Hi in the corridors as usual, the group eventually grew apart and it was never mentioned again. Yes, I was a bitch but really, it wasn't going to happen.

Now I realise how sweet and romantic it was. And I feel bad. So, I'm taking this opportunity to apologise to him. Of course he won't read it. Last I heard he was a pilot....

Random Sit Rep

2008-02-03T23:47:00.000Z

My Myspace blog is up the creek. I cant get on it to post and noone can get on to read. Not that I have a large fan club but still....

So my update goes here instead of there.

Where the hell did January go? Wasn't Christmas last week? january passed in a blur.

Work has been horrendously busy with far more critically ill people than beds. We did have one thing that amused me. Before I reveal it I must remind you that nurses have a warped sense of humour..

We had a really nice lady in and while she was in her dog died. We told the family not to tell her. One day she kept telling us there was a dog running around the unit but as she was confused and delerious we didn't pay much attention. The next day she sadly died. So I got to thinking - what if when she died she got to wherever and the dog came running up. She'd be wtf are you doing here?....

I did prewarn you I was warped. But the dog running around was kinda freaky thinking about it. Patients usually see dead relatives before they die so who's to say her dog didn't visit?

My first degree module is going well. It's interesting but theres a huge amount of work to get through. As well as writing the assignment, which has a really horrible title, I have to learn how to physically examine 5 systems and swot up on MCQ questions for the exam. Oh and make sure I've shaved my armpits and have a suitable bra on for the practice examinations....

All of which has been hindered by my mum's admission to hospital. She's been in a week and seems to be getting worse not better. As for some of the nurses on her ward - let's just say I've written the complaint and am waiting to see if her care improves before I send it to the Chief Executive. I try to be the daughter not the nurse but I cannot ignore sheer negligence and neglect. Let's hope her care improves when she gets transferred to the Specialist Hospital for surgery. When they get a bed for her of course, which doesn't look like anytime soon.

Wales beat England at Twickers. Woo - nothing beats the glee of beating the English especially at their home ground. Pity it's taken us twenty years.
Which reminds me - less than a month to St David's Day ( March 1st) so still time to dig out, knit, sew, buy, borrow or steal a red top to mark the occasion. And find a daffodil or a leek. I want an even better turn out than last year

I'll end with this

As someone who works with Anaesthetists in ITU every work day I find it hilarious but once again you may not get the medical humour. These guys rock

I See Dead People

2008-01-29T23:49:00.001Z

Death is a regular occurance in my job. It holds no mystery for me. I have no memory of viewing a dead relative and holding that thought in my head as the one dead person I have seen. Life is a terminal illness and it comes to us all in the end.

I've known for a while that a normal regular funeral would not be for me. No church, no faceless clergyman reminising about my life as if he had actually met me. Yet, funeral homes or crematoriums have not stirred me either. The thought of my family paying obscene amounts of money for a box for me to be burnt or buried in fills me with horror. I know what I don't want but not actually what I want.

Until today.

Discussing the recent death of a patient, our receptionist mentioned that he was having a woodland burial. I was intrigued and trusty Google came to the rescue.

Now I know exactly what I want

Bury me under the bluebells. I found a place near me. Woodland burial

And while Im at it, put me in something like this
Cardboard box. If I'm going to be worm fodder give them easy access. The cheaper the better. Seriously, I'm dead what do I care. I'd rather my kids spent the money on something useful - like vodka or pear cider.

Then again, I like this idea

Decorate the coffin yourself. Or get friends to do it. I'd like to think when I'm dead my mates would come along and set their artistic print on my box...Or I could hold a paint my coffin party.

If I died tomorrow, which I'm not planning, but if I did, I can imagine the drawings. Pear cider, matching underwear, boots.....

So, now I am assured I've got my exit all planned out. Now I just have to sort out the life I have to live until then.

Funeral was easier.....

Hello???

2008-01-29T23:46:00.000Z

I haven't blogged here this year!

I've been busy. Work is crazy, I've started my degree and my mum's in hospital. I've blogged little things on MySpace but nothing exciting.

But I'm still alive if anyones interested

*watches hay bales roll by*

My Gulity Secret - (from the archives)

2007-12-24T19:09:00.000Z

No time or thoughts to blog so here's my favourite Christmas blog from my old grab blog of December 2005 as found on a cool web archive site. Unfortunately they don't save the comments which were, to be honest, funnier than the post itself

My Guilty Secret

My life is usually filled with disorder and chaos. I forget things the girls have to do or go until the last minute and have been known to be up in the wee hours trying to make a costume for school that I knew I had to do for weeks but forgot about until a little voice asks me where their costume is for tomorrow. I admit I would forget to feed them sometimes if they didn't tell me they were hungry and god only knows how the hamster is still alive. Mother Earth I aint.

But in other things I am totally anal. In work, my charts have to be a certain way, my pumps have to be in order and if I only had the time to co ordinate them all so all their little flashy things flashed together I would. But thats not what this blog is about.

It's just this. The other thing I'm anal about is Christmas Decorations. Gone are the days when they can be done when the girls are in bed - they now want to help, and that just freaks me out. My decs have to be colour coordinated. The tree in the lounge is red and gold and the tree in the dining room is ivory and gold. Not too much to ask is it? No really, it's not is it? In fact it's not even the girls' fault - I blame school. Ever since they started nursery at 3, they have brought home hand-made things from school. Now, I'm not that cold hearted, they are sweet and I have kept everything my little angels have made me for every occasion, but do their decs really have to go on my tree? I used to carefully place them on the back of the trees so they couldn't be seen but that doesn't cut it anymore, Bethan proudly puts her gaudy coloured wool balls and her angels with dodgy wings right at the front and I cringe....does that make me a bad mother?

So tomorrows the day I have been putting off. The decorations are going up before I go to work.

And every day after this, I will walk past the tree and delicately shove one of their decs to the back, hoping they dont notice.....

I am a bad mother aren't I?

Missed Call

2007-12-20T22:28:00.000Z

I can't remember the name of the film, or if it was even a film, it could have been a drama or something but I once watched something about a major disaster. It was a plane or train crash. As someone walked through the makeshift mortuary, a mobile phone started ringing. Everyone stopped and stared at the place the ring was coming from. I don't even remember if they answered it. I think one guy did.

Today it happened to me.

No major disaster but an unknown patient. Found collapsed in the street. As we were doing a lumbar puncture a loud ring radiated from the bag close to me with his property in.

There were 5 of us behind the curtains. One holding the tubes, 3 of us holding him in position and the dcotor working the needle into his back.

We all froze.

I was nearest to the bag. Answer it I was told, find out who he is. I hunted through the bag and found the phone. The ringing stopped as I tried to work out the unfamiliar phone in my hand.

1 missed call. 5 missed messages. Someone missed him.

Call the number back.

I wandered out of the curtains and out into the corridor, my mind racing. I sought sanctuary in one of the offices. I sat for a moment and stared at the caller's name. The name of the woman I was about to randomly call and say - say what?....

1 missed call. I pressed yes to call and it was answered immediately.

Um hi, did you just ring this mobile?

yes, did I get a wrong number?

No, well, I dont honestly know. Im Lisa, I'm a staff nurse on the Intensive Care Unit at the ______ _______ Hospital. We've admitted an unknown male and this is his phone.

I won't blog the rest of the conversation. I think you can guess how it went.

When I finished the call I felt drained, numb, shitty and guilty. Guilty for just sending someones world crashing down.

My job sucks sometimes

WLTM. GSOH, OTAH

2007-12-12T00:30:00.000Z

On discussing with a friend how I'm beginning to open up to the idea of meeting someone new, the computer dating scene came up. He suggested I try it - I threw up in a bucket....

Anyway the conversation turned into a blog, as many of my random IM conversations do. So thank you Michael for this idea

I give you, my very own, tongue firmly in cheek, personal ad....

Young minded easy going 37 year old working mum who's slimish, kinda presentable when she makes an effort, smartish, warped sense of humour and competent in basic life support.

Described by friends as flirty, mad, dirty, gorgeous and has good ass....ets. Has obsessive tendancies towards boots and matching underwear.

WLTM man to cwtch up on the sofa with. Personality more important than looks but must be as gorgeous as Ewan Macgregor. Man with job preferable.

Actually, lets be honest - must have good job, car and own house with enough bedrooms for children to have room each.

Must be able to put up with me with a smile so sense of humour a must. A man that can have an intelligent conversation and make me laugh will be rewarded with privilage of seeing me in matching underwear and boots.

However if you are shit hot in bed and can cook, then to hell with the rest of it, I can compromise

Actually thinking about it, I issue you a challenge. Comment and write an ad for me. I'd love to see what you put...

Currently reading : Online Dating for Dummies By Judy Silverstein Release date: 21 November, 2003

PS I Iove You - or Maybe Not

2007-12-05T23:48:00.000Z

Why oh why do they have to change things?

I got excited when I heard one of my favourite books was being made into a film.

P.S I Love You by Cecelia Ahearne. Ok, it's not Shakespeare but it's well written, gut wrenching, beautiful and thought provoking. And it makes me cry.
Every single time I read it I cry.

So, I read the synopsis - huh? They've changed things. Alright, I know they change things but they've really changed things. And then Ev sent me a trailer. It's hardly recognisable apart from the fact her husband dies and the letters.

I always dislike the Harry Potter films at first. I warm to them later but on first viewing I compare to the book. But at least with HP theres an excuse. They have to cut it or there would be a 5 hour movie (even though I could live with that). There's simply no excuse to change Ahearne's version - none. It's based in Ireland where the author lives. Not in the film. He's Irish. She's American and they live in America. And that's just one change. From the trailer it looks like the way the letters are delivered is different and even the bloody content of them has changed.

grrrr - bloody American writers - stay on bloody strike and take the time out to learn how to adapt a book properly.

Robotic love

2007-11-30T18:15:00.000Z

This woman may have a very good point

But sadly, my research has found that a male robot may not quite hit the spot. In googling sexy male robot I got this

There seems to be a vital part missing

But sadly as always the guys get more...

or this

British is best though eh?...

Bra degree

2007-11-28T21:55:00.000Z

I knew there was a reason for me having so many nice bras

I start my degree in January.

What? You don't see the connection?

OK, I'll explain

My degree - BSc(hons)inClinical Practice:Critical Care has 4 modules. Evidence based Practice, Clinical Patient Assessment, Complexities of Critical Care Nursing and a dissertation - Changing Clinical Practice

Still with me? OK. I'm starting with Clinical Patient Assessment - Respiratory, Abdominal, Neuro, Ear Nose and Throat and Cardiac. We basically have to do an assignment and a viva. The viva is the practical where you get given an actor playing a patient and you have to assess them. Of course we need to practice - on each other....

So, I'm going to be half naked a lot

So you see - nice bras are a major factor

Oh and it means I'm going to be a busy girl for the next two years..

Autumn Ramblings

2007-11-12T22:03:00.000Z

As some of you know, Bethan and I like to go exploring the surrounding countryside by going for long walks

When walking we talk. Well, she talks and I listen. Today we discussed the science/evolution theory versus the God theory of how the world was made. Bethan also gave her thoughts on how different things would be if the world were square. Apparently we wouldn't go out as much...

There was time to make the most of open fields

And we were lucky enough to catch the sun setting

Factor X

2007-11-04T14:33:00.000Z

Generally speaking I don't watch TV. Battlestar Galactica when its on, Jericho is one I'm also watching right now but that's about it

I have however been watching a programme every Saturday night. It's embarrassing but I'm amongst friends so I'll admit it

I watch the X Factor.....

But just admitting I watch this junk TV isn't enough. I'm in a quandry you see. We're down to the final 12 - well 8 now. Three have been ousted and the young 15 year old butter wouldn't melt in my mouth girl had to leave as an unfortunate happy slapping video appeared on You Tube. I don't actually know if you have Happy Slapping in the US. It's where someone beats someone up and its filmed on a mobile phone and then sent to others for their amusement.....

Anyway, I digress - back to my X factor quandry

Theres a Welsh guy. More than a Welsh guy, he's from Newport. Just up the road from me in fact. So, I feel I ought to support him in his quest to change his life from being an asbestos remover to being a pop star. At the outset I liked him. But now, well, now he's sort of crap. He's a sweet singer and a good looking boy. He has melty brown eyes and a fit body. But his voice is weak. It's like he's scared to belt it out. He's a softly softly singer.

So, that's my quandry. I've yet to vote because I feel bad. What if I don't vote for him and he goes back to asbestos removing and gets it on his lungs and dies? Will it be my fault? And if I vote for him, will one of the good ones go? And if I vote at all am I contributing to the crapness that is junk TV?

I also have to admit Im finding Simon Cowell attractive.....

Is it any wonder I don't sleep?

New Camera Lust

2007-10-22T00:53:00.000+01:00

I love my new camera. It has macro and a host of modes for all different stuff and I can't stop playing with it
I had a play at my mums today

Here's my adorable nephew Miles

Jess messing about

Jess in her usual position - I think we were boring her..

Flower shots. I took the first and Bethan took the second. I think she took a great photo. Is it just me or does my flower look like a scary Halloween face?

Buffalo Soldier

2007-10-03T22:40:00.000+01:00

Dear Mr Man on the bus,

My journey home takes approxiamately 18 minutes. Tonight so did yours. I understand that sitting for 18 minutes can be a trial for some. You looked very smart. Your dreadlocked hair was perfect. Your suit was immaculate and your shoes were the shiniest I have ever seen. You are a cool dude no mistake. I also understand gadgets are a must for any man about town. And your phone is a cool gadget. It too was a shiny black, very slim, small and sophisticated. I know this because you played with it for 18 minutes. It slides up and down. It works because you tried it - lots. It also has an MP3 player - nice.

One word of advice - the phone with oh so many extras surely came with headphones. Let me explain what these are. They have 2 small earbuds on the end of a wire. The wire connects to the phone and the ear buds go in your ears. You know, ears, the appendages you have each side of your head. One of your ears had a diamond in it if you are still confused.

At first Buffalo Soldiers was quite relaxing - its a jolly song with a nice beat. But Im sure your snazzy phone has enough memory for more than one song. On the 5th play, Buffalo Soldiers need to be speared by Zulu warriors.

People playing their mobile phone MP3s aloud in a public place is my new pet peeve. Especially the same song on the bus when I've worked 12 hours and I'm tired

So please Mr Smooth, shove your shiny, slidey phone that plays Buffalo Soldiers up your ass

Thank you

Sticking up for Britney - kinda...

2007-10-02T22:36:00.000+01:00

So Britney lost custody of her boys - temporarily I might add

The media circus must be whooping with delight at being able to drag her through the mud again.

I'm not saying she's perfect or not at fault. But I'm assuming she's lost custody not because she's a bad mom, but that she can't look after herself right now let alone two under 2s. But what losing her boys is going to do to her mental state I can't imagine. I doubt she's going to be out partying

She's obviously mentally ill. Whether thats drug induced, I honestly don't know, but even if it is she's still ill. I'm not going to make a Leave Britney Alone video, I'm not advocating her having her kids, Im just thinking

Enough already....

Are you a perfect parent? I'm not. I haven't driven a car with one in my lap but I'm sure I nearly dropped one if not both when they were babies. But I don't have cameras and paparazzi checking out my every move. She drops 10 pound shes skinny and anoerexic, she gains 10 pound shes chubby or "fat"

I know, I know, shes gone out and flashed her butt, her beaver, her tatas. No excuses there. Shes turned trashy and a joke.

She's yet another child star gone wrong. Surrounded by sycophantic fair weathered followers all her life telling her shes pretty, shes a star, how awesome she is. Where are they now? Where were they when MTV made sure they made headlines this year? Who made her wear her bloody underwear on stage? Who drugged her up enough that she stumbled around like Bambi on ice?

Is Fed seriously any better as a parental figure? Did he fight for custody of his other kids. No, because a bit actress isn't as lucrative as a mega star. And she's a mega star because we made her one. Let's wait for how much money he asks for to look after these boys. How much do hookers cost these days?

In an ideal world, Britney would sort herself out and be a good mom to her kids. Fed would get off his ass and get a job and show his boys the right way to go in life. They'd grow up with 2 loving parents even if separated

But I guess that wouldn't sell as many trashy newspapers and magazines

Oh Mother...

2007-10-01T16:52:00.000+01:00

Planning to visit my parents this weekend, I texted mum to check they were going to be in

Her reply? - Going to Porthcawl for Elvis weekend in an hour

Dear God....

Sparkle Sparkle

2007-09-26T00:06:00.000+01:00

Crosspost for non MySpaceys

So my kitchen is sparkling - and now I am too!!

I fancied a pamper after my busy cleaning day so I had a bath, washed my hair and defuzzed my, uh, fuzzy bits. I moisturised my feet with my feet mud pack which is smelly but leaves my feet gorgeous. My skin is really dry lately and I'd run out of my usual body moisturiser. I picked up one I had as part of a set for my Christmas bran tub pressie. The accompianing perfume was lovely so I liberally applied the moisturiser all over my body. I finished with my cutesy PJs and I was done

A little while ago, while watching Q.I on TV ( I love it, so funny...) I glanced down and I sparkled....

I began shifting my PJs about

I still sparkled...

The moisturiser must have had sparkle glitter in it
So, now I'm sat here, writing this blog
and Im sparkling like a Christmas tree
I hope it comes off before my study day in the morning...

Susie Housewife

2007-09-26T00:03:00.000+01:00

Crosspost for my non MySpace readers

I have a week off work

I am going to be productive - I am not going to go back to bed when the girls leave at 730am and sleep till midday...

Today - kitchen duty. A proper clean - I smell of bleach and need a shower. But it's sparkling. I also wish I'd listened to the helpful people that told me not to get a white kitchen

See..

I need to go wash that bit of wall again, I missed a bit - damn flash. Oh and the tile top right is not dirty, its not there, it fell off, thats tile plaster thingy whatever, I need a man that does - and maybe he could do me too....

Tomorrow I have to prove I can still be trusted to zap dead people with electricity - I have to love my job sometimes. But unfortunately they've changed the bloody Resus Guidelines so I need to study later

Then back to more cleaning. Oh and Im going to bake!! And read a book. And have lunch with friends. And feed my Who Wants to be a Millionaire online game addiction - I won a million today - sigh...

You are all jealous of my exciting life I know. Some people get Venice and an international booty call - I get bleach and a jaycloth

Cheese Disappointment

2007-09-18T21:51:00.000+01:00

I went to "lunch" at quarter to 5 today. I was bloody starving but a spate of unforeseen little emergencies prevented me getting away. Patients can be so inconsiderate at times.

I meandered my way down to the hospital restaraunt, making a quick detour via the lovely scenic secret staff hideaway puffing area. Situated under a stairwell at the back of the hospital, we call it the patio.

I entered the restaraunt and the smell of curry overpowered my nostrils. No, not curry today I thought, I need quick, stodgy, comfort food

And there it was

Sausage and mash and onion gravy - yummy.
The fat sausages nestled in the fluffy peaks of white mash. I drowned it in gravy and made my way to the till. The queue was long and my mouth was salvating at the thought of the pleasure to come

I made my way back to the comfort and solitude of the staff room and sank into the uncomfy waiting room like chair hoisting my feet up onto the neighbouring chair

I opened my culinary delight, sank my fork into the mash and took a bite

What the hell..

Cheese

Fucking cheese

A hard crusty film of cheese topped my lovely mash - there was no mention of cheese on the menu. Not sausage and cheesy mash, not sausage and mash and oh, we've dumped the leftover plastic cheese on it. Oh no. Not a cheesy word in sight

I mostly hate cheese

This was crap cheese - plastic, stringy and hard, thick and strong

I began scraping the cheese off the mash, trying to salvage at least a little of my spudtastic mash, much to the amusement of the entering anaesthetist

"Cheese" said I, holding my fork up to show the disgusting thick glob of yellowness stuck to it.

Oh well, the sausages were fat, meaty and tasty and the onion gravy was a delight

Just a pity about the sodding cheese

SuperAcid

2007-09-10T08:08:00.000+01:00

Internet Jim became Fireman Sam. Talk moved on that swiftly from love to childhood programmes
Fireman Sam was Welsh, he lived in PontyPandy and Norman was naughty. I showed Amanda SuperTed, another Welsh cartoon.
It's funny how you view things differently as an adult

Spotty man, cosmic dust and magic clouds....Superted was created during an acid trip

Random Sit rep

2007-09-07T23:06:00.000+01:00

Because I have the urge to blog and nothing to say...

I get my new ISP next Thursday. I have been informed that I may lose connection for a few hours and in extreme circumstances 72 hours, so if I disappear I am not dead, do not mourn me. Also do not use my old email after that date

Talking of emails, this Gmail thing disturbs me. It reads my mails. It is a nosey fucker email. it reads my emails and those I am sent. The ads on the right of my email pertain to the content of the email. Helly and I tested it out by inserting vibrator into every mail. And rutabago. Which I call a suede I think, or a parsnip, I forget. However, equally disturbing is the little man that sits and read my emails keeps giving me a site - something like "How to truly know your man and get him to love you forever" - whatever I write. I think he's taking the piss out of me.

Bethan and Jessica are very happy in school. I know this will not last.

My work is paying for me to do a degree module in January. This is very nice but its not a module from the degree I want to do, which has much nicer modules. But Im going to do it anyway and try to swap it with a similar module on the one I want to do

I think Indian Summer should change to Welsh Summer. We need to change the seasons because it's supposed to be Autumn not Summer and it's so frigging hot. And yes thats Autumn not Fall - what a crazy word - because the leaves fall right??

I miss BG. The DVD of season 3 is out but Im saving my pennies to repay Helly. Oh and I still lust my camera. I have bookmarked the page and visit it frequently

yes I am drunk - shoot me

heres a lovely pic of yummy Ewan. I was going to post a naked one but bethan walked in and caught me and admonished me so heres a safe one

His penis was nice though, you'll just have to imagine it

and i have to thank Will for this i love it

it makes me giggle lots

Oh and my top search on my blogger blog is still living dolls - perves...

Birthday Video Blog

2007-09-05T22:34:00.000+01:00

For Jenna's birthday today and Shaun, Alex and Jenn's tomorrow. Like a Christmas message from the Queen but from me....

Why I need to Drive...

2007-09-04T22:44:00.000+01:00

I need to learn to drive.

Last night I had the misfortune of just missing my bus, leaving me with an hour to kill before the next. Maddening at any time, but after a crazy 12 hour shift I wasn't happy. Seems it is the season for RTAs as we admitted one accident victim after another - burst vertebrae and fractured ribs, fractured pelvis, 2 men with fractured wrists that went into ARDS following surgery - four patients, four separate accidents.

Hmm, perhaps I shouldn't learn to drive

Then 15 minutes before my shift ended we had an alcoholic admitted that wouldnt stay in bed and wanted to leave. Sedation took care of him but it meant I got behind with my paperwork and left work late

Anyway, back to the City bus station. In order to deter gangs of unruly youths gathering at the bus station, they now pipe classical music throughout. But its bad, dreary classical music played through a bad tinny sound system. Its also played on a continual loop meaning I listened to the same arrangements about three times. Now and then I walked 5 yards to the edge of the station to smoke a cigarette. This small cigarette was obviously a flaming beacon because it attracted all the drunks and homeless to invade my personal space and ask for one as well as some money. I needed a badge - Fuck off and buy your own..

As I sat there, it got darker and colder. I began to people watch, one of my favourite pastimes. The drudge of music wasn't working for gangs of teens with the telltale sign of ipod leads sat at various points around the station. The boys were like peacocks, showing off and parading in front of giggly, heavily made up girls in not enough clothing.
Alcoholic middle aged men and women ignored the No Alcohol signs and sat, or rather led, on the benches, pausing between their rants to slug White Lightening out of an Iceland carrier bag.

I became fascinated by one young couple stood waiting on the stop next to mine. Teenage, probably about 16, obviously young and in love. He was tall and gangly and had the whitest goth face I've ever seen. I pondered on the natural colour versus make-up and decided definitely make up. He was all dressed in black with some band unknown to me on his T Shirt. He was hot in a teenage goth kinda way. She had a denim flared mini skirt on and a short red shirt that didn't reach her waist although I think it was supposed to as she attempted several times to pull the shirt down. She was a big girl. Rolls of flabby tummy burst over the waistband of the skirt, white flabby thighs protruded from the hem. But she didn't seem to care. Nor it seems did he. As the skinny made up glamour puss teens passed eying him up, he only had eyes for the chubby girlfriend. It was quite sweet.

The bus station is due to be demolished and moved in the grand regeneration scheme Newport has planned for the Ryder Cup in 2010. We are to be overrun by American golf fans. Its all going to be very posh and modern and clean and nice. I wonder where they are going to hide the drunks and homeless people....

My bus eventually arrived. I sat and tried to avoid eye contact with the guy on the bus that looked like he wanted to chat. I was tired, I was cold and my feet hurt. As I neared my home I texted Jess to put the kettle on

I need to learn to drive

First Day Nerves

2007-09-04T17:29:00.001+01:00

After much nerves, anticipation and dread on both our parts, Bethan's first day of High School is over. Technically it's Comprehensive School, but as our dialect sometimes like to switch to American, it's now known more as High School.

I waved her off at 730am to go for the bus. No longer a 5 minute walk around the corner, she has to get a bus. A big yellow bus, again a recent American copy.

Her sister doesn't start till tomorrow, today was just for the newbies, but she got up early to do her sister's hair "So she didn't go looking like a skank"....

Her sister also vetted her trousers, her school bag and shoes, making sure she looked cool enough to be her sister. I remember my sister doing the same when it came to my school uniform. Watching Jess rearranging Bethan's polo shirt and sweatshirt reminded me of Cheryl tying my school tie - backwards so the knot was huge with a small amount of fat tie poking out from under it. Of course when I arrived all the other newbies had neat little ties...

After a morning spent with her tutor, she started proper lessons. Welsh was easy says she, English was OK but RE (Religious Education) was rubbish - "because it was about religion and stuff"

She can't remember her teachers' names. She made friends but forgets their names too. It was in her words "A bit of a blur". She found the toilets. She ate lunch. She got on the right bus home. Most importantly, she wants to go back tomorrow

Tomorrow they both go. It seems weird to think of them both in Comp. My babies are growing up into young ladies and I feel I'm becoming surplus to requirements

This pic feels like yesterday

But now they are like this

And I feel old..

The Penis Blog

2007-08-29T23:07:00.000+01:00

Girls talk, and after talking, Amanda posted this blog

And I got to think about penises - as you do..

When a girl first has sex, it's never about her. Misguided fumbles and a selfish adolescent boy don't make it good for the girl. There's a standard progression to a girl's penis introduction -

The rubbing of the penis over the clothes. Here you just imagine what it looks like with no intention of seeing or God forbid, touching the penis

You progress to the quick fumble down the pants. You don't stay long and don't realise the teasing aspect to your actions

Next is the hand job. If you're still a little shy then this is still a fumble under the trousers but eventually you progress to actually taking the penis out. You may still not look at it but it's out there and a shy glance is available for the bold

You eventually get to the oral. This is confusing for some as the title "blow job" is not self descriptive....

Sadly, the penis no longer holds any mystery for me. In my line of work naked men are a frequent daily occurrence.

Ive seen all different shapes, sizes and colours. Ive seen big strapping men who fall short in the penis department and small skinny wimps who are hung like the proverbial donkey.

Washing is an art. Unconscious is best. You can just get on with it. However unconscious doesn't mean dead and I firmly believe the penis is one of the last muscles to stop working. It's best not to be too vigourous with the sponge bath or you can't let visitors back on till the tent sheet goes down

Awake is a different matter. However professional I am I never know what to call a penis. As I see it, if they can use their hands they can wash it themselves. So, I shove a flannel in their hands and say "here, now you can wash your...." I usually end up saying something stupid like "bits". If they cant manage themselves then it goes two ways. After you tell them where you are going with the soap they either grip their sheet to their groin for dear life or throw the sheet off in wild abandon and practically shove it in your face. And nothing can match the embarrassment when a patient just can't control his penis as you are washing it.

Luckily there are few penis stories in my hospital humour repertoire - but the few I have I will share

There was the time working on ITU when we'd just extubated a young head injury lad. As he slowly woke from his sedation haze, I was later told to take his catheter out. One look under the sheet told me all I needed to know and I handed the syringe to the anaesthetist. "Uh, you take it out" says me. "why.." " He, uh, has a , um, well....oh God, look, he has a massive hard on and I'm not touching it. Be a man and you do it"

I also have to admit to feeling a little excited when I was going to see my first black penis. I wanted to know if the stories were true. They weren't.

My favourite story concerned my then boss, me and a regular terminal patient we used to admit frequently. Only 19 and ill most of his short life. We always gave him a side room so his mates could all visit and he would feel more comfortable. One shift my boss, a male, came rushing up all red in the face and exclaimed that X was playing with himself. I shrugged and said to leave him alone but he stormed up to the closed door and opened it. Over his shoulder I could see X doing some serious hand work with the sheet half covering him. As he heard the door open he turned around.....to reveal a games joystick in his hand.

The only thing that still fascinates me about penises is learning that Americans circumsise as a regular thing. I thought it was just Jews. My only ever experience with a circumsised dick has been an American one. I still can't fathom why you mutilate your children. So, I guess if Helly gets her way and I move to America to work when the kids are older, I'll once again be excited at the thought of a penis

On reading this, a male friend enquired - why is it that the shape and apperance of men's penis are always paramount but the vagina of women are never mentioned?

My answer - men dont care what it looks like as long as they get one..

Hmm, on closer inspection, I think hes an American...

Hospital Humour

2007-08-25T01:23:00.000+01:00

So, over on Hellys' blog she's being her usual geeky self. And don't we love her for it

The conversation has turned to naming computers ( I think, I got a bit lost with the geeky talk).

I revealed that the computer start up login for my workplace is Nurse - a highly original one I think.

One night, I had to take a patient for an emergency endoscopy. The doctor tried to turn the computer on to do the report and asked the on-call endoscopy nurse the password. Her reply?

Bowel...

Sos, Helly and I are now exchanging emails at a flying pace with our own password suggestions for different departments

Cardiology - heart

Orthopaedics - bone

Oncology - cancer - or is that too crass?

Gynacology - vagina

Now its your turn.
And I really want a good one for the G.U.Med clinic - that's the STD clinic - crab maybe??

Summer Time Nostalgia

2007-07-30T23:25:00.000+01:00

No rain today. The sun was shining at 8am and continued throughout the day. The girls went out and all was quiet. Of course before they left I needed to know they had their mobiles on them and they were fully charged. I warned them to let me know if they were going outside the village. I told them I'd text them for lunch

Different in my day....

We got up, ate breakfast, grabbed a "picnic" and were gone. We came home when we were hungry or when it got dark, whichever came first. Our parents never knew where we were or what we were doing. Mum probably thought we were at playscheme, which is where we were supposed to be, but if it got boring we wandered off on our own adventures. I lived next to a wood that led onto open fields. Huge trees that lent themselves to being houses, ships, batlefields -whatever took our fancy that day. the ground was covered by bluebells

Playscheme was at the log cabin at the end of our street. Open for the middle 4 weeks of the 6 weeks summer holidays to prevent bored children. Yes, thats 6 weeks summer holidays not 6 months like you Americans got

A solitary cabin in the middle of a huge field next to the woods. Run by bored university students after holiday cash and something worthwhile to put on their resume. There was an adventure playground in the field. I spent hours legs entwined around a horizontal pole, head down, hair in the mud with kids shouting at me because they wanted to cross from one hut to the other. Perhaps thats where I got my love of poles..

Deep in the woods was a clearing and someone had made a rope swing. It was called the Twirly Whirly. The leaders took us up there for a treat. Looking back they probably wanted to smoke pot or make out but I was young and naive and believed we were in for a treat. I was deemed too young at 8 by the older kids to go on the swing and now here was my chance. The rope swing took you high above a shallow pit. It was dangerous, it was daring, it was superhero stuff.

And it was my turn...

I had to be lifted to reach the thick wooden branch handle. 3 swings and jump off, those were the rules.

I swang once

I swang twice

I swang 3 times, gripping the handle like my life depended on it. I didn't really like it...

I got back to the bank after 3 and began to let go. But some kind soul decided the little kid should have a bonus go and pushed me once more...

I crashed down, down, down to the basin of the bottomless snake infested pit

Ok, so there were no snakes. but there was mud. Gooey, sticky mud. Except now it covered me from my head to my toes. I thnk the mud broke my fall because amazingly I was unhurt. I was a walking mud monster. And walk I did, all the way home, to meet a fate worse than snake infested pits

My mum

The log cabin burnt down a number of years ago. On bonfire night, hit by a stray firework. I walked past there recently, taking my parents' dog for a walk. The field looked tiny, the playground was no more. All that was left was the concrete base where the cabin stood

Childhood Milestones

2007-07-22T20:18:00.000+01:00

Friday my baby finished Primary School. September sees her joining her sister in High School

So, one of the mums decided they should finish in style

Pink Hummer limo, drive around town, Macdonalds then home.

We kept it secrets for weeks. My ears still hurt from the screams as it came around the corner...

Sometimes its fun being a mummy

And yeah, its cold and wet, no sign of Summer yet

And its OK Natalia, I don't want you to hold her lol

The Dad Project

2007-07-04T22:51:00.000+01:00

Inspired by a friend Ryan's video of family pics he made for his parents' anniversary, I'm attempting to do the same for my dad who reaches the milestone age of 70 this Sunday.

My dad keeps his photos in a big box . I told my dad the photos were needed by Jessica for a school project. I initially planned to steal them but they were hidden away somewhere in his bedroom so plan B was needed.

Dad passed me the box of photos but in his hand was a small, old, battered photo album I've never seen before. He handed me it and said "She's welcome to use these too if she wants. Ask her to be careful."

Inside were pictures of a little boy.

A cheeky boy grinning at the camera

A boy proudly riding his tricycle

A boy pushing a wheelbarrow with a smile as wide as wide

A proud father knelt down by his son

A father and son smiling into each others faces sat on the couch

Every photo was worn, corners and edges worn thin from loving fingers caressing them

A little boy and his dad - My dad, my brother Ian

Ian was killed in a car accident when he was 3. This album was full of love and memories of a son who lives in my parents' hearts

Sometimes you need a little perspective in your life. I got mine today

Music to Make You Weep

2007-06-29T00:01:00.000+01:00

When daughter number 2 told me she'd joined choir a couple of weeks ago I just smiled. Less than 6 weeks till schools out - what harm can it do?

And then it came - the letter - The school was presenting a musical evening - An Extravaganza!

A concert...

Of course I support my children in all their endeavours but I knew this was going to be painful. Very painful.

First you have to try and elegantly perch your butt on a child size chair and then hope the legs don't bend before dying. You then have to dodge the mothers you don't like. I tend to arrive just in time and sidle myself into a chair at the back

Choir were lovely. Lots of little voices in harmony (almost). My girl sang with gusto and kept grinning at me in between. Many thumbs up were exchanged

But before choir - orchestra!

Little Sally* murdered her violin. Kevin* played the clarinet but in a different key to everyone else. And Recorders, who the fuck inflicted Recorders on us parents?

Then if the collective noise wasn't enough, we then had the solos

Kudos for the guts to play in front of a big audience - yes parental guilt, um pride, filled the hall.
No kudos for the playing..

After the choir there was a nice interval - I checked the programme and realised my little darling wasn't in the second half. So, I did what any other bad mother would do

I sneaked out the back

* names changed to protect the innocent

Smiling Salmon

2007-06-17T08:31:00.000+01:00

Tonight I saved a guy's life with salmon sperm

Seriously...

And it got me to thinking - How the fuck did they find out that worked??

We've all read those bizarre household tips and wondered how they realised how it worked. Who discovered that if you poured white wine on a red wine stain, it disappeared. Was someone so pissed they managed to spill both kinds of wine and woke up next morning dreading the cleanup to discover they didn't have to?

Anyway, I digress, back to the sperm

Tonight we had a guy who had been given too much Heparin. In order to stop him bleeding to death, we gave him Protamine. Which is salmon sperm

So, I got visuals of the discovery

Picture the scene

A guy is out in the wilderness. Hes getting his kicks from rubbing off a salmon when he catches his hand on a rock and cuts himself. He starts bleeding really badly because he's on blood thinners. However the salmon shoots its load all over the guys hand and it clots off and stops bleeding.

Eureka!!

but then that brings me to my next pondering

How do they collect it??

Is it like collecting milk from a cow? Are there salmon farms with salmon swimming around, suckers attached to their winkies?

Hey - Do salmon even have winkies?

Do they then die with a smile on their face and we then eat them?
God, the visuals.....

I also discovered this whilst googling

Hmmm, Pacific Northwest eh..... - who are they running from?

Shopping for Dummies

2007-05-31T18:15:00.000+01:00

Tips For Shopping with a Teenage Girl

1. Don't bother talking to them - they have headphones in. They don't want to talk to you anyway..

2. If they walk away suddenly, don't follow, it means they have seen someone they know and don't wish to be seen with their mother.

3. If they try something on and you hate it, they will love it - this also works the other way. Best just say nothing. Unless its really expensive, then enthuse how much you like it and may buy it for yourself...

4. Don't cringe at the size of the shorts they want - remember you were a teen once too. Also, don't wonder out loud why the smaller the shorts are, the more they cost..

5. If something is "the beast" or "sick" apparently that's good

6. Lets buy a new outfit means I want the outfit plus new shoes plus new underwear plus a belt plus jewellery plus a hairband - it has to match...

7. Don't even try arguing over their choices - just get your card out, that's what you are there for

8. When they exclaim how quickly they put together their new ensemble, bite back the urge to strangle them and tell them you don't think 5 hours is quick

9. Don't even think of trying to buy other things when on the shopping trip. They don't want to buy a new shower curtain and will huff and puff the whole time

10. When home, sit and be happy you've just spent some quality time with your precious little girl.....

Life Update..

2007-05-28T18:21:00.000+01:00

I know I havent blogged for a while.

I know my friends are worried about me and threatening to fly over to sort me out...

You say Im not blogging, not communuicating and being anti social and I know you're probably right, but I am trying....

I still need to sort my head out, sort my life out. But Im still hurting and it's not going away. I'm sorry my emotions didn't know I was supposed to be ok after 2 months, I guess noone explained that to them or me

But until Im ready to blog again heres some eye candy...

Yummy....

Tranquility

2007-05-02T22:16:00.000+01:00

The hospital I have my physio at is a sister hospital to where I work and is just a short walk away - all uphill unfortunately but with the sun shining today it was a pleasant break from the stuffy unit. Between the 2 sites is a park and I have never actually been in there. But today pain finished my physio a little early so I made the most of my few minutes freedom and took a peek. I have to go back to explore further. This was as I walked through the gates

And this was found a few seconds later, to the right where you can see the pink brick paving

I sat on a bench in the sun and took a couple of minutes to reflect on life

Then went back to the grindstone

All in the Mind

2007-04-26T08:27:00.000+01:00

"Some people don't like strawberries"

"yeah well, they're stupid"

Our senses can evoke memories we thought we had forgotten or repressed. A smell, a song, a picture can bring me visions of things that make me smile or make me sad.

The faintest whiff of Lily of the Valley reminds me of my nan, childhood memories of a safe place, a warm place, a sanctuary.
The sound or sight of ball on willow takes me to my childhood summers, weekends of far flung places and my dad the hero taking wicket after wicket in village cricket.
80s songs and I'm at my teenage stage - boys and secrets and friends

Summer's approaching and everywhere it seems, strawberries are determined I will see them and remember

Strawberries and cream

and I remember

My Little Man Loves Me

2007-04-21T22:22:00.000+01:00

Penblwydd Hapus

2007-04-20T22:26:00.000+01:00

Its my birthday tomorrow so I'm asking you for a pressie. It's not a big request and I know you all love me and will fufil my every wish.

So

I want a birthday kiss

from all of these.

Thanks.....

Cwtches..

2007-04-17T23:41:00.000+01:00

Hug, cwtch, cuddle, huggle, cuggle, bear hug, bunny hug, caress, clasp, clinch, lock, squeeze. Whatever you call it, everyone needs one at sometime.
This video made me smile

Go hug someone..

No Smoke Without Fire

2007-04-10T22:19:00.000+01:00

Mr Rat lived in the dirty muddy waters of the city's River. He grew bored of scouraging around the discarded supermarket trolleys and car tyres at low tide looking for food with his brothers and sisters and decided that a life of adventure was for him. He said goodbye to his teary eyed mother and listened to the lecture from his stern faced father. "You'll get nowhere, my son" he bellowed "nothing good comes from setting ideas above your station, you'll be back, mark my words"

Mr Rat didn't listen. He knew his fortune was to be found in the place where the beings lived. His only worry was he had heard they got rat arsed on the weekends. He wasn't sure why they would want his arse but had also been told they usually dropped kebabs while rat arsed and that could only be a good thing right?

Mr Rat scurried along the streets. The city seemed to fall further and further away and he grew tired. He suddenly saw a hole into a house and decided to stop and rest.

Mr Rat had stopped at Mr Longbeards house. Little did Mr Longbeard know that he had gained a house guest. Mr Rat grew hungry and desperate and soon began chewing the plasterboard he found all around the house. He tunneled through making secret passages and roaming around at night. The lure of the big city was soon forgotten

Mr Longbeard soon realised he had a guest. He spent days trying to find Mr Rat but Mr Rat proved elusive. Mr Longbeard didn't know what to do. The rat catcher had been found enticing children with his merry song and was currently banged up in the paedophile wing of the local jail. Oh, what was he to do?

After days of pondering and being driven mad by the scurrying of Mr Rat all around his house and unable to keep up with the shreds of plasterboard strewn around the floors, he decided direct action was required.

Mr Longbeard crept into his bedroom. He'd heard the scurrying moments before and was sure Mr Rat was there. He dug into his pocket and pulled out........

A Smoke Bomb!!!!

He set off the smoke bomb but Oh NO! the smoke bomb set his beard alight. Mr Longbeard dropped the bomb in fright and it set his clothes alight. How Mr Rat laughed in glee at the sight of this man hopping around the bedroom

Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb raced in their fire engine to Mr Longbeard's house.Mr Longbeard was saved and rushed to the local hospital

Where, on hearing the story, this here nurse unashamedly laughed.......

Edit - For those confused about the firemen, please google Trumpton (oh the joys of childhood TV). Oh and I now have Tom Jones singing Smoke bomb not sex bomb in my head..

HP and the OOP

2007-04-09T17:30:00.000+01:00

I usually don't like the HP films on first watching. I compare to the book, mostly unfavourably. I'm looking forward to the book 7 release more than the film 5 release, both in July. But, I have to be honest, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix looks good..
Bethan gets scared in parts of the films so usually we wait for the DVD but I've decided that if I can travel half way across the world on my own, I can probably manage to go to the pictures on my own, so on my own I shall go. I know, I'm a sad loner, feel sorry for me. Actually don't, I'm quite happy in my own little world

Defender of the Burg

2007-04-05T19:30:00.000+01:00

Apparently Gwent has a new High Sheriff

I didn't know we had an old one.

Firstly, Gwent is supposed to no longer exist. I no longer know where I live. Wales changed it's Counties a while back and Gwent disappeared, but sometimes I still live there, or I might live in Monmouthshire or I might live in Newport which makes my address Newport Newport

but I digress.

Back to the Sheriff - does our Sheriff look like this?

No, I'm afraid he doesn't. Our sheriff looks like this..

Is he going to ride into town, oops sorry, city, and rid of us of the evil outlaws?

No

Lieutenant Colonel Michael Harry's duties are to include attending civic functions and any royal visits to the area.

Right..

50 ways to be the Nightmare Girlfriend..

2007-04-04T13:51:00.000+01:00

Autumn did a bulletin on My Space with her views on "50 things she wishes you knew". So, I went to the web page and took a look.

These lists are dumb..
Not every woman is the same
Men should not follow these lists

So, as I should be studying for tomorrows exams, of course I'm going to procastinate and give my views. Heres the list, with my comments attached

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count. - It does count, in fact it's hot, but it's nice to hear it at other times too.

2. Real men drive stick shift. - I don't care what you drive although the majority in the UK drive a stick, so what..

3. I will leave if you lie. - Lyings a no-no, but leaving depends on what it is and why.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).- You are cute in anything.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so. - Sometimes thinking about worse case scenario is inevitable, but not always.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear. - Agreed.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. - I don't ask. Its nice when a guy comments on what you're wearing without being asked but theres no point asking if the guy has learnt that "You look fantastic" is the correct response and just says it.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you. - If I'm into a guy, he's all I fantasise about.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.- My mum rocks, if I end up half the woman she is, I'd be happy.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you. - Agreed. I have girly moments so shoot me..

11. I expect you to call me. - At least sometimes, same with emailing. I don't like being first ALL the time but communication is a two way thing.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. - Not even rock stars.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.- Lost it years ago as soon as I had kids.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be. - True.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick. - While I'll never say no to oral sex, its not essential. If you're in the dog house, admitting you were wrong works. Then you can go down on me..Oh and no shoes, boots maybe and some undies would be preferable.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.) Why does this woman advocate playing games?

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want. If Im not having sex with you it's because I dont feel like it although with you that wouldn't happen. Again, not all women use sex as a game/ punishment.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.- No they don't

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it. Uh..what? why?

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.- Say nothing if you agree or Im being a whinging bitch. Saying you like my mummy tummy and kissing it all over to prove it does nicely

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies. - Not required, by me anyway. Being thoughtful in normal ways is better. Like topping up the gas in your car, making sure I know where Im going in a unfamiliar city, making sure Im safe

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items. - You'd look like a dork in hooded clothing..

23. You should never tell me what to do. - Why not? If I don't know tell me. Oh, and I love it when your masterful...

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast. - You wouldn't have the time to make me breakfast..

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking. - Obviously

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes. - Unless I don't like you, then I'll say no

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice. - Why wouldn't you. Geez the girl that wrote this has problems..

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead. - Again a two way thing

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.- Wear what you're comfortable in, you'll look hot

30. I want to be Madonna. - No, I don't, really

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers. - I'm not a china doll, normal hygiene will suffice

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.- It's nice, very nice sometimes but in heaven may be a slight exaggeration

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby. - You're always sexy

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now. - I'd rather an infrequent compliment when you really mean it than daily compliments cos you think you should. When a guy who doesn't compliment much then says something sweet, it means far more.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving. - I love you anyway, you don't have to buy me

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this. - The girl that wrote this is clingy, needy and neurotic

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....No I won't. I'll probably jump you as you walk through the door.

38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times. - Continual references maybe, but we've all had a past.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself. - How can you tell me if you don't know?

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points. - Months? get real.

41. I love it when you're sweaty. - This depends. If you've got in from the gym, go shower. If you're lying on top of me, out of breath and sweaty, thats different..

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas. - If you want to go ahead, if its from you Ill love it. If not, Ill take it back..

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses. - Who wants to be a lady? OK, seriously, kisses are nice, if you mean them

44. I like porn. - Yep

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands. - I love touching you anywhere

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public. - I can't comment, I'm not a nice girl..

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...- probably

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat. - thats kinda obvious

49. I remember everything about our relationship. - I remember the very good and the very bad. I doubt I remember everything

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you. - Really, no, you shouldn't know some of these cos they're crap

This woman reveals some of the worst no-nos in a relationship. Lighten up! Have fun and stop playing games with your bloke. This reminds me of the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. The same mistakes are made over and over and dumb lists like this prove it.

Birthday Hotness

2007-04-01T00:50:00.000+01:00

Jenna complains I have had no porn recently - I take it she means hot men. And, as Amanda has reminded me it's delightful, delicious Ewan's Birthday, what better way to celebrate than to feast your eyes on him. So Happy birthday to my future hubby.

Shamelessly Stolen from a Sheep

2007-03-30T22:50:00.000+01:00

What do you think of Me?

Just fill in the blanks with the first thing that comes to your mind

1. I__________LISA
2. LISA is_________
3. When I think of LISA I think of_________
4. I want LISA to________
5. If I were alone in a room with LISA I would__________
6. I think LISA should________
7. LISA needs to_______
8. I want to_________LISA
9. If I could describe LISA in one word, it would be_________
10. LISA will_________
11. LISA can_________my________
12. I hope LISA will never_________
13. I_________LISA because_________

Things that make me go ewwww

2007-03-21T22:28:00.000Z

Oh Dear God..

Children like nothing better than to dress up in their parents’ clothes. Now you can put those old clothes that no longer fit you to good use by creating a whole new wardrobe for your child, and save yourself lots of money at the same time!

Use the ideas and instructions in this revolutionary book to create girl’s dresses from men’s shirts, jumpers from slacks, cardigans from sweatshirts, dresses from skirts and knit shirts, jackets, skirts and hats from sweaters, hooded vests and backpacks from sweatshirts, and much, much more. Plus, once you get the hang of renovating your old clothes into new outfits, you’ll be able to create a multitude of styles and designs from your own ideas!

It's not often words fail me but what the hell? Anyone who thinks this is a good idea is truly not fit to procreate - the book should be retitled:

"Ways to ruin your Child's life Forever" - 50 ways to ensure your child is ridiculed and friendless for the whole of their childhood. Oh, and gets food thrown at them

And another thing - slacks - Ive bolded the word slacks

I hate slacks. I hate the word slacks, I really do. It makes me cringe almost as much as the words peel-off face mask. I know, I have issues....

Now I have a feeling Americans use the word slacks for any casual trousers. But to me, it brings up memories of trousers worn when I was growing up. They were in the foulest of polyester type material, elasticated waists and an array of garish colours. And pleats, oh god the pleats..

For pity sakes, these are for men! The blurb is enchanting though..

Though sometimes associated with a certain Florida look - we're talking more 'West Palm Beach Resort', as opposed to 'South Beach Versace' - one can not nevertheless deny that Sansabelt slacks are in a league all their own when it comes to comfortable men's wear, second probably only to the Scottish kilt. And as for style, well after all, you don't want a belt marring the sleek silhouette of a slinky nylon Nik-Nik and slacks, do you? In plum poly gabardine, these Sansabelt slacks have that smooth, flattering style, with horizontal front and welted rear pockets and a tabbed waistband.

Plum, Plum? They're fucking pink!! and, uh, slinky nylon nik-nik - are they talking about not marring the slinky silhouette of cock? Or is that just me?

My mum still wears them. In the house I may add - lounge wear. Hearing my mum telling me she's bought a lovely pair of slacks make me shudder

It's on my list. The list I have that tells my children when to kill me. Nestled in with sensible shoes and plastic rain hats, it's there.

What do you mean you don't have such a list? Surely you have the list.

It's a Sign

2007-03-18T22:38:00.000Z

Helly has noticed that I have a hidden talent for being photographed unawares next to signs.

The first was taken in Paris on a friend's hen weekend (bachelorette party). Too many drinks 'cause kicking in the air, one more leads to temporary blindness

Hmm, I might add that Shaun IM'd me his comment to this pic - The sign says "Temporary Blindness" it depends on where you're looking - thanks cheeky boy..

When Helly and Shaun visited me in Wales, Shaun took a photo of me deep in thought and quite frankly looking goofy. Right next to a "Disabled" sign.

Then there's the infamous photo that got me in trouble over at Grab.com when I enraged the Christian Grandma Brigade by blogging my bottle blow job shot. That was taken under the "Celebrate Christmas Here" sign. And what better way to celebrate Christmas than with a blow job....

Then my trip to LA. Ev took a picture of me looking slightly wasted in the limo. I, of course, blame the jet lag rather than the drink. When we checked out the photos later, I'm strategically shot under a sign that simply says "Wrong"

And finally a pic that only Brian will understand. It's his favourite place from his years of puberty and sexual discovery, the Dairy. And next to it an advert for cigarettes, Newport Pleasure. For those that don't know, I live in Newport.

And some may say I'm a pleasure..

Lisa Does LA

2007-03-16T19:39:00.000Z

Not to be confused with Debbie does Dallas...

Saturday afternoon I flew into a very hot LA to be met by Helly and Todd. Todd recognised me from my Myspace pic and said "Hi Lisa" - too cute. After a hurried never ending pizza and pasta dinner we got to Hellys place. She gave me 20 minutes to get ready - 20 minutes!!

Ev and Anna arrived in their "car" to pick us up and here came surprise number 1 - a limo was waiting at the end of the drive - too cool! Then surprise number 2 - flowers for me from Anna were waiting in the limo - I'm such a princess..

And so began the drinking - champagne was on ice and it would have been rude not to drink it so drink it we did

Ev had picked out a Sushi and karaoke bar in Hollywood. Anyone who knows me knows Im totally unadventurous when it comes to food but I did try the sushi

We then went to the karaoke room, which was empty at first but soon filled up. They were obviously regulars and were really good! I felt like I was at American Idol, some of them had fantastic voices. I of course sat and chair danced, there was no way I was getting up there..

Helly and Ev however did...

We did a lot of people watching, naming them as we tend to do. There was obnoxious guy who thought he owned the place, Hillbilly guy, so named cos of his checked shirt, cool guy who did a great male rendition of Oops I did it again and of course, cute guy. Cute guy, or Patrick as we now know him did a great lets get it on. I made the mistake of naming him cute guy and then the scheming began. I ended up having my pic with him after Helly practically threw me at him...

Whilst outside smirting, I met Ken from San Diego. He was also pretty cute. He dedicated a song to Lisa from Wales. He was however a bit serious about his singing and watching him throw himself on the floor would have been pretty funny when I was sober. Being drunk by now, it was hysterical. His name also made me think of Barbie...

Hysterical was also Anna's new friend. He'd been asleep wasted in the corner where we were sat and then turned over and made himself comfy on Anna

A fun time was had by all. For 4 girls who had never met, apart from me and Helly, we got on well. it was a great introduction to LA. Hillbilly guy kindly took photos of the four of us

We headed home and both helly and Anna took advantage of the luxurious surroundings of the limo

The middle pic is proof that I am a very loving drunk....

After dropping Helly off we ended our night at Evs

Thanks girls for a great night out!!

Update, kinda

2007-03-11T17:11:00.000Z

I've been told off for neglecting my kids and not blogging

I will blog about my trip but probably not till I get home

But highlights of last night's Ninja karaoke

I had a limo - I am a princess..
I had flowers
I ate sushi
Helly sang as did Ev. Myself and Anna chose to support from our chairs
I gave a cute guy this blog address
They take karaoke seriously over here, I thought I was at American Idol
Ken from San Diego made me think of Barbie
I refused to dance with the Hillbilly
Anna ended up with a guy in her lap, passed out
I got Ev drunk

Photos to follow..

Im Hot!!

2007-03-02T23:29:00.000Z

Someone googled Hot Tales of Lisa and got my blog

This amuses me

Thanks to everyone who sent me a pic of their Welshness. It was much appreciated. I will remember the ones that didn't and will make them play next year

I can't get this song out of my head so I thought I'd share

Oh, and a question - Does peanut butter go off? Just wondering. If it does, it's too late, I've eaten it.

World Domination

2007-03-01T19:05:00.000Z

Dydd Gwyl Dewi Hapus!

Happy St David's Day!

My quest for the world to celebrate St David's Day is starting slowly.

Lets start with me. This is how I went to work today. I then had my hair cut with people singing the Welsh National Anthem loudly in the pub opposite. I then went to see my parents, expecting my mum to have made Welshcakes, but alas no, I had to make do with choccy biccies. I came home to be told by my glum daughter that her house didn't win the Eisteddfod. But back to world domination....

And my daughter who wont wear traditional costume as she claims to be "too old" and wears her Wales rugby shirt instead

And here is Helly, from LA, USA, proudly sporting her red top to work - thanks Helly!

Brian, from Oregon, USA, has a Wales mug - he claims its full of coffee but we all know Brian...

He's also blogged about St David - thank you Brian!

Inog claims to have the first daffodil of his garden sitting proudly in his office. I will try for photographic evidence.

This is Khaled, Helly's friend from UCSB. He hails from Egypt and the USA and is ready for world domination

Next, Jenna from Canada looking cute in her red shirt and daffodil hairclip

And omg, I got an Englishman to celebrate a Welsh day - way to go Shaun, is that a smile or a grimace...

And Allan ( Helly's hubby) and their son Todd

Dirty Dancing

2007-02-24T00:50:00.000Z

Oh god, it's another silly wedding dance....

Remember this?

Now we have this

Harry - Cornet Wales

2007-02-22T23:38:00.000Z

I was going to post this earlier and then Allie beat me to it. But as a Brit, here's my take

Now Harry, as in Prince Harry, is son number 2. That makes him, well, nothing really. Dear old granny is still on her throne, meaning daddy is still waiting to have his go. This means William will have to wait his turn too. So Harry has no chance. He is the equivalent to Princess Margaret. While her sister Elizabeth (same birthday as me btw, I waited for someone important before I made my entrance a month late) took on royal duties, Margaret was a Royal slut. Fags, booze and men..

So, Harry can be the rebel. And rebel he is. While William has chosen an English Rose for his rumoured-to-be future wife and Queen, Harry has some slapper from South Africa. He rolls out of Nightclubs drunk, is pictured with numerous young ladies when his girlfriend isn't in town and usually has a cigarette in his mouth

When he went to Sandhurst, the Army Officer training school, the media mocked him. They followed his progress avidly waiting for him to follow his Uncle Eddie and fail miserably.

He didn't. he wowed them. Broke records, won awards. He went in as a boyish Royal lout and came out an officer. A cornet no less which apparently is a rank in his Welsh regiment equivalent to 2nd Lieutenant

Then came the debate. Would he go to war or be shoved in a nice cushy office somewhere

Harry himself answered. Last year, the prince said:

"There's no way I'm going to put myself through Sandhurst and then sit on my arse back home while my boys are out fighting for their country."

Harry reportedly threatened to quit the Army if he were not allowed to serve in a conflict zone.

So to Iraq he goes.

In a tank.

Somewhere unknown.

Just in case

Perhaps we should put him in a red hat though, just so the Americans know where he is

Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau

2007-02-21T21:42:00.000Z

Week till St Davids' Day, so I'm reminding you to celebrate it on 1st March. The video goes on a bit but it has the Welsh National Anthem and some nice shots of Wales

Yummy Pancake day

2007-02-20T18:50:00.000Z

or Shrove Tuesday as the religious types call it..

But I love Pancakes!! so Happy Pancake day

Yum, I think some with sugar and lemon and some with nutella. Or maybe Golden Syrup or do I have some ice cream in the freezer...

Good tossing everyone

Bashing Britney's getting Boring

2007-02-19T08:44:00.000Z

Theres not really much to say about new bald Britney that hasn't already been said

Except at least we know that her hat now matches her handbag..

Life is Precious

2007-02-18T13:07:00.000Z

I don't often cross post on Blogger and MySpace. But this one I am, cos it's important

Having a brain dead patient on the unit is hard. We had one yesterday. Asking about organ donation is the hardest question to ask. It never gets easier.

Make it easier for your loved ones. Tell your family if you want to donate. Having the card isn't enough, your family can still say no. You have to tell them you'll come back and haunt them if they say no..

Actually there is no IF here

You don't need your body when you're dead - but someone else does.

Following a harvesting, we get letters from the transplant team, telling us what organs got donated, who they went to and how they are doing. It makes us feel good and I can only imagine how much comfort it gives the family of the deceased.

Yesterday's family said yes. We were awash with surgeons from all over the country and people waiting for that call got it.

Today, there's a family grieving, but there's also several families sitting at the bedsides of their loved ones after their life saving surgery.

Serious post over. I'm sure smut will follow soon

Always do what Dr says...

2007-02-16T23:23:00.000Z

Did my first clinical shift today

I managed to spill pee (not mine) down my trousers and cleaned up shit

So, lifes back to normal then...

I also had a tussle when I tried to help them log roll a patient on ITU. They told me to go back and send someone else. "I can take the bottom legs" says me, thats the easy bit. But no. Dermot, the ITU consultant, was listening and asked why I couldn't do it. Cos shes been off 3 months with her back and this is her first shift he was told.

"Lisa" says he, "Theres an Irish saying for that"

"FECKING EDJIT! - so piss off back to HDU and send someone else"

I love Dermot - he's Irish and looks like Homer Simpson. He also gives us cookies every friday

I also love Wentworth, hes not Irish and he doesn't look like Homer Simpson. He doesn't give me cookies but makes me feel like I do when I have cookies

Nothing to do with the post but god he looks lovely in that pic. I know where I'd like to place myself..

Yes, We know we're Bitches but its funny...

2007-02-15T00:41:00.000Z

Yahoo convo between Ev and I...

Evelyn : oh that reminds me - did you hear who is going to be on our TV - on a show called dancing with the stars

taffy: no

Evelyn : the ex - paul macartney

Evelyn: i dont' know her name

Evelyn: the one with one leg

taffy: oh, fuckbitch

taffy: heather mills

Evelyn: yes

Evelyn: isn't that too funny

taffy: gold digging whore

Evelyn: she says she's giving the money to charity

Evelyn: we hate her too - dont' worry

taffy: she does do a lot for charity Ill give her that

taffy: she also buys trendy legs for teenagers who end up with a clumpy nhs leg

taffy: she has legs for every occasion

Evelyn: oh god

taffy: probably has one that wraps around her head too

Evelyn: LOL

Evelyn: i never watch that show but I might now

Evelyn: just to see if she kicks and the leg goes flying into the audience

taffy: you're bad

Evelyn: if you catch the leg - can you take it home?

Heather in her porn, I mean modelling, days...

Some Sci-Fi Geekiness

2007-02-14T00:43:00.000Z

So, 7 episodes in, its entertaining me nicely. Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica that is

So far, so good. I didn't like the Hybrid thingy in the bath last week though - that made it, well, too sci-fiey and she was silly..

But, Im just a girl and I have to say - phwooooooar. Something to look at while you think up a rumour (see previous post..)

Is that a microphone in his hand or is he just pleased to see me??

Definitely a Laminate List contender - I think his new power has made him sexy...

If you havent heard a rumour in half an hour, make your own up..

2007-02-13T22:01:00.000Z

I work in a female dominated place = bitchsville.

Today I heard details of my rumour. See, I had to have a rumour, I'd been away 3 months...

I'm kinda disappointed with it. I always say if someones bitching about me, they are leaving someone else alone. But I'm totally amazed they couldn't do better than they came up with.

Apparently, some people are surprised to see me and one even asked where I'm working now. Because Im working my own flexi hours my shifts on the roster are blank. It usually says sick leave. So, it was deduced that I'd left. I'd been redeployed somewhere else as I was no longer fit to work Critical Care.

I mean, come on, thats boring!

I decided that if rumour was abound, I deserved something a little better, so, over a cup of tea, we decided to come up with something better

Rumour number 1 - I'm pregnant, not sick. I have left my kids and home and will run off with the father, once it's established who the father is

Rumour number 2 - My American internet friends kidnapped me on my trip and I'm now part of an internet grooming scheme to enrol people into a cult. Im pregnant by the cult leader now and call myself The Enlightened One.

Rumour number 3 - I was caught stealing the contents of the Controlled Drug cupboard to feed my habit

Rumour number 4 - I was sacked because I was crap (hmmm, I'm not sure if the girl who said this was in fact joking.....)

So, can you do better? Make up a vicious rumour about me to replace my boring one..

Thoughts of Me

2007-02-12T18:31:00.001Z

I started back to work today. Just a few hours, went nowhere near a patient, but it was good to be back.

It made me realise I need work to be me. Work is part of me and shapes my personality. As soon as that uniform goes on, I become a different person. I'm confident and self assured. I'm good at my job. I know I'm good at my job. I can say that without feeling embarrassed that I'm bragging. I had a good welcome back and people seemed pleased to see me. It didn't take long for junior staff to come to me with questions about things even though I wasn't technically on a clinical shift.
My manager had prepared the admin work she wants me to concentrate on in the coming weeks as I re-establish myself into work. It's good stuff, mostly done by much higher grades than me. Career wise it's great, gives me the edge if any promotion comes up. I get the chance to prove myself and Im going to grasp the opportunity with both hands.

In my out of work life, Im not so confident. I question myself frequently. I find it hard to maintain friendships because in my mind I don't really get why they'd want to know me. I expect things to end. When I did a Johari recently, it was easy to see who really knew me and who didn't. Some saw me as an extrovert which is way off mark. Thats a front, my wall, put up to protect. Few get past it. I've been trying to change this but being off work didn't help.

The past few weeks Ive been different. I'm sure I've pissed off people close to me. Without the work me, I became clingy, needy, wanting reassurance constantly. I see that now. Without the balance of the work me, the negative aspects of my personality came out. I realised this soon into my shift. I realised I needed to feel in control and work is where I do that. It allows me to put the kick ass into me

So, now I'm back in work, hopefully the normal me will come back. My positives will blend with my negatives and I'll be an easier person to live with

So, yeah, thanks for putting up with me these past couple of months....

Snow Day

2007-02-08T09:47:00.000Z

So it's snowed. Only a couple of inches, not the six inches promised but isn't that always the way...

Schools and public transport have of course ground to a halt. The local store looks like it's been looted as people have panic bought enough to last 6 months

In Cardiff, one street is closed off as 7 bendy buses have got stuck trying to turn a bend. Now, call me stupid, but didn't they realise after maybe 2 or 3 of them got stuck that the other 4 wouldnt get through either??

What's a bendy bus I hear you cry?

It's a bus - and it bends....

Some snowy pics

Not a great deal of snow but Bethan's working it. And it's still snowing..

Yes, I throw a snowball like a girl

Wales in the snow

We attempted a snowman but there wasn't enough - maybe later

I played around with the video feature on my camera. The quality's not that good and god my voice is awful..

Pimping Dead Rough

2007-02-06T17:15:00.000Z

Check out Ev and I's comic strip - Dead Rough

Dead Rough is a British phrase I use that Ev loves and it also worked as a play on Dead Honkey, the comic strip we love so much round these parts..

So go see

Ok, so you might not find it funny but we do

So There...

Sit Rep

2007-02-06T14:51:00.000Z

Genaral update of me so I don't have to repeat myself all the time..

Hip - Physio is going ok. I've started weaning myself off the pain meds. And yeah, the one that went where the sun don't shine was stopped first..
Im walking better, sitting better and sleeping better. Well, sleeping as in normal for me

Work - I start back to work Monday. I never thought I'd look forward to work but I do miss it. After 14 weeks, I feel a little nervous which is silly really. I'm going to be doing mainly office work with a couple of short clinical shifts to see how my hip copes. Ive never worked in an office and right now my main concern is what to wear. Im going to have to see if I can get away with my jeans, if not, my skirts will have to come out - Im thinking sexy secretary look.
I've been kept up with the gossip, I mean news. Theres 4 girls pregnant - remind me to check if they've been sitting in the same chair.
Theres also a new consultant who is young and enthusiastic - oh dear. He is apparently using more PICCO on HDU which is my training baby so I need to check that out when I get in. A few of the girls are resisting it which is pissing me off as I've trained all of them. I know who you are girls and Im coming to get ya.
It's also been decided while I've been away that the staff member Ive been mentoring as shes, well, crap, is not going to do and we have to start the redeployment policy. Much fun...

Home - Home is still, well, strained. But the end of it will happen this year. I'm certain on that.

Kids - Bethan is being prepared for High School in September. I get to meet the Special Needs coordinator soon to work out her needs. I know her needs, whether she gets them is another matter. I hate fighting the system but Im determined shes not going to get forgotten in the environment of a huge school. Its not her acedemic welfare I worry about so much, its her personality and how she needs to be handled. Going from primary school where she has one teacher who knows her shyness and lack of confidence to High School where she has numerous teachers is going to be a big step.
Jessica has to pick her GCSE options next month. She has a fair idea of the subjects she wants to pick and an even better idea of what she wants to drop. I don't agree with some of her choices. Do I force her to do the better subjects I think she should take or bite my tongue and trust her judgement? She's 13. What she picks now influences her A levels which influences what degree she does. I haven't actually told her univerity is optional, shes going, thats all she needs to know...

Hopefully when I'm back in the land of the living, leaving the house and going to work my blogs will reappear. When you're sat around doing nothing theres not a lot to blog about. Doesn't stop me of course but the quality should improve

And woo, it's Tuesday - Battlestar Galactica tonight!! The episode's called Torn which brings me to thinking of this..

Input required

2007-02-03T22:42:00.000Z

As most of you know, Im going to be doing a long haul flight soon. 16 hours. It splits into an 11 hour flight, 2 hours in NY, then another 3 and a half hour flight.

All on my lonesome

So, Im asking for suggestions

Books to read, music to download onto my MP3 player, things like that to occupy me if I can't sleep.

And for the well seasoned travellers, what do I need in my onboard bag to survive?

Hilton is the best for romps

2007-02-03T00:35:00.000Z

I thought this meant the Hilton hotel had the best guest rooms to have sex in.

But, apparently not

Paris is better in bed than Lindsay

Its official

Dydd Gwyl Ddewi Hapus

2007-02-01T23:40:00.000Z

Im on a mission...

March the 1st is Saint Davids' day - the patron saint of Wales

You know, think Ireland and St Patrick..

So as you guys all pretend to be Irish on March 17th, I think you should pretend to be Welsh on March 1st

This month, I am going to coach you in all things Welsh and then I want photographic evidence that you did indeed celebrate it. Even if you just wear a red top and a daffodil, I want to see

So, whos in?

Wedding Thrills

2007-02-01T18:22:00.000Z

The groom seems to be taking this far too seriously. Hopefully his moves and enthusiasm were still present on the Honeymoon..

More..

2007-01-30T16:31:00.000Z

Daniel.....
Apparently, parents are disgruntled because they say he should be a role model for their children and not go nude. What?, if he wants to grow up I say carry on Daniel, carry on...

I know, I feel dirty too. But not as dirty as Ev..
So for Ev, as hes legal over here but not in the US
July 23rd - Daniels 18

The countdown begins....174 days

Baby, come to mama....

2007-01-29T22:30:00.000Z

Whoa - someone just grew up....

I'll never watch Harry Potter in quite the same way...

QUANDO OMNI FLUNKUS MORITATUS

2007-01-29T22:03:00.000Z

I have been ill all weekend. Vague symptoms that are for sure bound to be life threatening. So I stayed in me PJs all weekend and alternated between bed and the sofa.

The music channels know how to target the bored 30 something day time audience and entice them from daytime TV - 80s nostalgia. I flicked through the faceless, nameless drivel the youngsters call music (god, I sound like my father...) and there it was - the 30 best 80s videos.
And this one ....

I am not embarrassed to say I sang along and remembered every word. I have to mention J.T, John Taylor for the uninitiated, looks damn fine in this video - go 80s hair

The Reflex is also of course the 80s bar in town I took Helly, Shaun and Alex too when they visited. You know, the one with the poles...

Bondage Babe

2007-01-26T13:39:00.000Z

I need to ask a serious question..

Do I look sweet and innocent?

Ok, so many of you have only got my profile pic to go on but all the same - Do I look like the kinda girl that lies back and thinks of England, or Wales in my case?

Today I had a strange experience. I'd finished physio and was browsing in the shops in the city, killing a bit of time. I went in Ann Summers and was wandering round. I ended up in the bondage section. Shut up, I was just looking..

Anyway, I looked. Theres no law against it. I heard a voice behind me saying "Uh, are you OK there?" I ignored it, they obviously weren't speaking to me. Again the question was asked, a little louder and a little more forcefully. So I turned around. The stockroom was directly behind me and the assistant in there was indeed talking to me. She couldn't have looked more shocked if it was her own grandmother standing there. I assured her I was fine and carried on looking. I was aware however of a pair of eyes burning into my back.

I eventually carried on, looked at the vibros, looked at the undies and out I went.

But now it's got me thinking. Ok, I was dressed casually but surely you don't need to be clad in leather to look at the bondage section...

Honestly, I know how to have sex. It's been a while but Ive been assured it's like riding a bike. Not literally, maybe a better metaphor should be used there.

I've had sex, I have 2 kids to prove I have. I move when doing it, I occasionally make a noise, I occasionally make a lot of noise. I may even like it a bit kinky sometimes. I can get down and dirty.

Maybe I have a problem. Maybe when men look at me they think - she looks sweet. She looks like she'd be a really good person to have as a friend or even worse a sister. Not - ooh shes hot, I want to take her home and bang her brains out..

I don't particularly want to look like a sex siren, or a hooker, but for some reason I really want to look like someone who is allowed to be in the bondage section of a mainstream High Street sex shop. I didn't know till now I didn't, but now I know it's bothering me . It's a female thing guys, don't worry your pretty heads about it.

With hindsight I now have the perfect answer back. When she asked me if I was ok, I should have said that the chain I usually use to join my nipple and clit rings together had snapped from the force of the weights and I was looking for a new, stronger one. I may have to go back.

Happy Days

2007-01-23T18:44:00.000Z

Today was good....
Lunch and shopping with Mum, sis and nephew. Miles decided that throwing his cutlery, chips and nuggets on the floor for Lisa to pick up was a great game. Chasing him around the newly renovated indoor market with his coat was a good game too. But the best game was the bargain hunting. I'm such a bargain babe and I picked up some massive savings today.

After 5 hours in the city, my back niggled but wasn't total agony. Tonight is Battlestar Galactica. Can a day get any better?

And yes I bought undies, matching of course, and yes I bought boots. Actually technically I didn't buy the boots as it was buy 2 pairs of sale items and get one free so me and Mum bought a pair each and then I picked up the boots free

These boots are to die for...

I also bought 2 pairs of combat trousers, a pair of trainer type shoe thingys, a furry collared gilet, a jacket, a top and a bag. I also treated my sister to a necklace and earrings for her 40th birthday and bought my godson some Dr Who fact file books for his birthday. And I didn't spend a fortune.

Mood is good. Retail therapy works. Tomorrow is lunch with best mate Mandy. I shall stay away from the shops.

Reasons to be Cheerful Part 3

2007-01-22T16:28:00.000Z

A bit of grin and bear it, a bit of come and share it

You're welcome, we can spare it - yellow socks

Too short to be haughty, too nutty to be naughty

Going on 40 - no electric shocks

Today, the 22nd January, is officially the gloomiest day of the year

Its true, it's science..

Taking into consideration things like Christmas debt, fading memories of holidays, failing New Year resolutions and lack of daylight the following formula was produced

1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA

Key - W: Weather. D: Debt. d: Money due in January pay. T: Time since Christmas. Q: Time since failed quit attempt. M: General motivational levels. NA: The need to take action.

So, are we all feeling gloomy today? No, shame on you - it's SCIENCE..

I'm not gloomy, I'm bloody freezing, but I decided to think of things for me to feel happy about

~ It's payday tomorrow
~ I'm still not smoking
~ It's payday tomorrow
~ My sister is 40 in 4 days, that's hilarious
~ It's payday tomorrow
~ My back/hip is feeling a bit better
~ It's payday tomorrow
~ It's 43 days to my trip
~ It's pay - yeah, i think you got that bit

The only thing I have to be gloomy about is Friday's physio - she told me to load up on all my pain meds which can only mean one thing - she's going to manipulate my pelvis back in. So if anyone want's to pop over and hold my hand, or give me something to bite on, or even better copious amounts of alcohol, feel free

And I have to say, the lyrics of Ian Dury's and the Blockheads' Reasons to be Cheerful Part 3 are weird, but then so was he. Or he is, I dunno, is he dead yet?

And one more thing, check out today's quote to the right - spooooooky....

When you can't Find a Bottle Opener.....

2007-01-19T22:54:00.000Z

"You can't come to Benidorm without seeing Sticky Vicky"

This is what I was being told. I was led on a Spanish sun lounger in August, soaking up the rays, one eye on my girls, then 5 and 2, paddling in the kiddies pool right next to me. The rest of my attention was focused on Julie, one of two couples of mad Liverpudlians I'd met over there. Kids making friends, you know the way.

We'd fallen into a predictable pattern. Drinking in the Hotel bar at night then taking turns to sample the Benidorm nightlife, husbands the one night, wives the next.

Tonight was our turn and it seemed Sticky Vicky was the entertainment planned. They told me she was a stripper....

So, there I was, bottle of Bud in one hand and, um, well, a bottle of Bud in the other. Well, it was packed and the bar queue was long...I watched giddily as the hypnotist on stage made a woman simulate sex with a straw donkey. Yes, it was high class entertainment on view tonight.

Then the hypnotist was gone. The bar fell silent, I could feel the expectation in the air - along with the smell of vomit. Lusty young men dived for the nearest seats they could find to the dance floor in the middle of the bar, where the entertainment was focused.

I was somewhat surprised when Sticky Vicky walked out . Firstly she was old. Nice body, good pair of tits, but old. And she was wearing just a thong with a feather boa drapped ceremoniously around her neck. I was to learn the purpose of this boa in the next few minutes.

I'm perched on a ridiculously high stool, more than slightly inebriated, watching a stripper who started her floorshow with no clothes on. I was confused. I turned to my new Liverpudlian friends with a quizzical look on my face

"Just Watch"

And watch I did, as Vicky lost the thong and produced an item from her "natural pocket"

"what the fu....."

I couldn't finish my sentence as a candle, a long green candle, appeared. She tapped it on some poor guy's head to prove it was solid then lit it

Then a light bulb - not just a light bulb but a fully working, glowing in the dark, light bulb. Jesus Christ, she had a battery pack up there.....

At regular intervals the feather boa was gracefully placed in front of her. I'd cleverly worked out this was to insert more items in her handy little inside handbag, although you never actually saw any items going in - clever....

And she continued - I can't remember all the items she pulled out but there were lots. I do recall a string of razor blades at one point

Oh and a bottle of beer, which she then took the cap off - with her pussy of course. As I had a bottle of Bud poised at my mouth at the time, it darn well nearly put me off, but only nearly.

And then she was gone

Sticky Vicky has been a regular feature of Benidorm Nightlife entertainment for many years, going from one pub/nightclub to the next, feather boa trailing behind her.

It was an experience - that's all I can say

So, what do you do when you've just sat and watched pussy gymnastics?

Go and find the male strippers of course - they were good too. Big boys, every last one of them...

Its Just a Little Crush....

2007-01-16T17:14:00.000Z

We're the dandy highwaymen so tired of excuses

Of deep meaning philosophies where only showbiz loses

We're the dandy highwaymen and here's our invitation

Throw your safety overboard and join our insect nation

da diddley qa qa da diddley qa qa

I was 11 and it was my birthday. Looking back, the presents of an Adam and the Ant Album combined with a set of headphones failed to stir the comic effect in me it does now, but with hindsight and 2 daughters of my own I have a deeper understanding for my parents' pain that I didn't then.

1981 and I was an avid Ant. I mean, with lyrics like da diddley qa qa who wouldn't be? I had the leather (plastic) trousers, the frilly shirts, even the white stripe across my nose if I felt particularly adventurous. Shut up, I thought I looked cool....

Adam was my first crush - my King of the Wild Frontier, my Prince Charming.

He monopolised my birthday gifts - Adam and the Ants T-shirt (pink), King of the Wild Frontier Album, Adam and the Ant's jeans patch. That and my headphones. Oh and the Snow White Sindy doll - from my nan, she tried bless her.

The headphones were huge. But, you know, they went on ya head and they stayed there. I have blogged about my small ears and my new fangled headphones disability previously. Me and in your ear headphones do not mix, I liked the ones with the big strap over your head holding the cans over your ears. Now I miss more music fiddling with the headphones as they fall out of my ears. There is a photo somewhere in my parents house of me in the garden, headphones in situ, wearing my Tshirt holding the album and Sindy doll. Due to the hideously short back and sides I was sporting back then, due to a mother telling an incompetent hairstylist that I needed "something easy to manage", it will never grace these pages.

Today daughter number 2 reaches the grand old age of 11. In her last year in Primary school, she enjoys being one of the big fishes in the little pond. September brings High School and the last strings of mother's apron gets well and truly snipped the first time she boards that big yellow bus on her own. Her gifts included a Bratz head and arms for much girly making up, jewellery and money.

She also has her first crush. Here you go babes - Happy Birthday

As for my crush on Adam, it faded as I swapped my allegiances to John Taylor and Duran Duran. Twenty five years on, Adam is a little crazy

Italian Job

2007-01-13T23:39:00.000Z

No reason to post except I love it. Helly, a lesson in how to say bloody properly

I'm a Celebrity - Get them Out of Here

2007-01-12T17:19:00.000Z

For a few years now, we've had to endure reality TV with so called "celebrities". Usually out of work actors and singers that think it will throw them back into stardom. Oh and the tarts that are famous for sleeping with celebrities, somehow making them celebrities too. However, this has led to America thinking they can get rid of their Z list celebrities by making us endure them.

Look at this years' Celebrity Big Brother - We have Dirk Benedict and Jermaine Jackson. We recently had David Gest on I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here

But us Brits have won...

LA - enjoy the Beckhams

Let us not worry about interest rates rising, the rising number of our dead in Iraq, the NHS falling apart, oh no, lets fill our papers with Golden Balls Beckham's $125 five year deal

yep, thats $125 MILLION

To promote football, sorry, soccer in America. They do realise he can't string 2 sentences together don't they?

So, I look forward to the Beckhams infiltrating the Los Angeles rich set. They will of course build their own Beckingham Palace somewhere in LA and Victoria will be able to pop onto Rodeo Drive like the rest of us pop to Tescos

However, just because we've given you our British little media darlings, it doesn't mean we have to have Paris, Britney or Lindsey in their place

We have Madonna, that's quite enough thank you

Five Long Years

2007-01-10T16:29:00.000Z

Five years Ive been paying into the Social Fund in work. 5 years.

Every month, my £3 gets divied up into the pots, £1 for tea fund and £2 for social fund.

For 5 years I've watched countless people get married, have babies ( some have had 3!), leave, have operations or have the established 4 weeks off work sick. They've all received gifts or flowers and I'm happy for them - really..

But today, after 5 long years, I finally got something

Ok, so technically Ive paid £124 over 5 years for them but they made me smile

And after physio today I needed it - all I can say is OW!!

Todays physio was interesting. After my initial assessment Friday, I needed a more in depth hour long one this week but they couldn't fit me in. So, I agreed to go to a splinter clinic. It was in one of the roughest places in Newport. I was quite scared...I got there and immediately thought I was at the wrong place - it was a pre war type hut, but no, this was the place. At one point I was stood on the extremely cold floor in just my undies (yeah I know - attractive). The physio pointed out something about the way I place my one foot so I looked down and my feet were purplely blue and mottled. It was that cold.

My back pain is also the reason for the non blogs. When you're stuck in the house for weeks on end with nothing to do, you really don't want to know what's going on in my head.

Oh and on the subject of day counting

2007-01-03T23:51:00.000Z

Tuesday 9th January - 9 - 1050 pm GMT

Sky One

Season 3

Do not disturb during this time as nothing will drag me away from that box in the corner of the room I never watch....

Bet They Were American.....

2007-01-03T23:47:00.000Z

Day One

2007-01-03T22:12:00.000Z

20 hours 15 minutes without a cigarette

Just saying...

Book Em Danno...

2007-01-02T08:19:00.000Z

I booked my flights yesterday. After watching them steadily go down in price over the last 2 weeks I decided they weren't going to get any cheaper

So it's tough guys I'm coming, there's no going back.

I still can't believe I'm flying half way round the world on my own - Go Me!!

This from the girl that thinks going to Cardiff is adventurous..

God, I'm soooo excited!!

As one goes out and another comes in..

2006-12-30T15:58:00.000Z

Another year about over and I'm sat pondering on 2006. It was an ok year as years go

Some highlights of 2006 were

Work wise:

I did well out of the NHS job description and pay reforms. Got graded up as a specialist nurse and got a very healthy raise with it

I got my Diploma in Clinical Practice and enough CAT points to do my degree

I got given more managerial responsibility then my grade should allow

Fun wise:

I went to Paris

I met some online friends, Shaun from Lincolnshire and Helly from LA

Family wise:

My girls are happy and doing well in school

My parents, brother and sister are healthy and happy

Personally:

I began to believe in me

I met some great friends

I am happy

so, I'm not making any actual resolutions because I'll break them but in 2007 I intend to

Go to the US

Stop smoking completely, using the motivation of needing money for my trip

Continue to eat healthily

Try not to cry when Bethan goes to High School in September

Help Jessica pick the right subject options for her GCSEs

Continue to believe in me and continue to believe I deserve to be happy

Pick my degree course and start saving for it

Have more stuff in my funwise section next year...

Write some better blogs

Stay in touch with and value the friendships I have made

Get out more - yep, I put that in for someone in particular who keeps telling me that

Heres a cute pic of Bethan, my baby all growed up, in the birthday outfit we shopped for yesterday. She'll be 11 on the 16th January

Birthday Wishes

2006-12-28T22:22:00.000Z

Its 1am here so officially the 29th December
A Happy 36th birthday to my bestest friend Brian. At last you're as old as me..

Have a good day and don't work too hard

Here's a little Christina in a hot tub waiting for you

and some pudgy Christina, just the way you like her

Hmm, Justin, how did he get there?...

This was my Christmas, how was yours?

2006-12-27T19:38:00.000Z

So, all over for another year

Christmas Day was good. No better or worse than previous years. As they get older, the girls' presents get smaller in size and way more expensive. Girls got on all day and didn't fight. There was even a sweet scene where they were both led on the settee and wise and worldly daughter #1 was teaching clueless daughter #2 how to use her new mobile phone. Even more miraculous was the fact that I spent all day in the company of their dad and we didn't fight either...

Boxing day was the usual tradition of going to my parents. However,my sister's youngest was ill so she didn't come and my brother had gone to watch Newport County play football (well, someone has to...) so it was just them and us. Girls got bored quickly and started bickering - knew it couldn't last

My presents. Usually I get off my parents and off my outlaws. I then buy myself stuff for the kids to give me. But this year I'm going to the US so saved all my money to book my flights next week. My mum bought me clothes that I loved. But I saved the best till last.
My MIL has never quite forgiven me for rejecting her precious son and chooses my presents with tender loving hate. Honestly, I wish she'd stop buying but it obviously gives her so much enjoyment. It's now a standing joke between me and the girls. Tradition even.
Previous years have seen me receive perfume called Cheap, a top that we never figured out whether it was a blouse or nightwear and PJs in a size 14-16. I'm a 10 (British 10 which I think is an American 6)
This year didn't disappoint - 2 tops in size 14 and perfume I last wore 20 years ago...Whats worse is they were obviously expensive - just give me the money!!

I also watched TV. Now, everyone knows by now I never watch TV. Until January 9th of course - Battlestar Gallactica Season 3 baby!!...
But I relented and watched with the girls. Plus none of you buggers were online to talk to me anyway.
So, I watched Strictly Come Dancing - The Final and the Christmas special. Nice eye candy.
I watched Nightmare before Christmas (love it), Surviving Christmas, a lame Christmas
feel-good film where I predicted the end 5 minutes in. But, it had Ben Affleck in it so..
I also watched Chicken Run, Chicken Little and Narnia
Oh, and High School Musical (shudder)

I also have 11 Christmas bought DVDs to watch. We're big film fans in this house...

But one thing I still miss about Christmas TV is Noel Edmunds on Christmas morning. As Pete is my only British reader he'll understand this. Pete, tell me you used to watch it and cry?

The girls are off school till the 8th and I think I'm alone for New Year. Or Ill have Bethan but she'll be asleep. New years' TV is worse than Christmas TV...

But I'm thinking of watching the BG DVDs back to back in preparation for the new series. And consuming alcohol as well of course

And definitely NO New Years' resolutions

Sexy Santa, Sexy Santa stripping, Everard Cunion Living Dolls....

2006-12-24T17:47:00.000Z

Google update...

The past 7-10 days has sent many, many, many, (yes, that many!) people to my blog. And what are they searching for?

Sexy Santa's helpers
Santa stripping
Sexy Santa
Everard Cunion - dolls - (heres the link with the link for the doll shop if you want it)

Dirty perverts the lot of them.....

Of course, since their perverted searches bring them here, it doesn't say a lot about me does it?

Oh and in case my Merry Christmas may have offended some, here's the amended version..

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the UK great, not to imply that the UK is necessarily greater than any other country, and without regard to race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Happy Christmas, Holidays, whatever.....

2006-12-23T20:08:00.000Z

The trees' lights are sparkling, the presents are bought, wrapped, delivered or hidden ready for Santa's elves to collect. The food is nestled safely in the kitchen cupboards. The table full of chocolates is placed far to near my computer desk. My 13 year old is trying hard to be cool but her eyes keep darting to the friends and families' presents under the tree. My 10 year old is not even attempting to be cool and is wound up like a top. She's shaken and felt every present under the tree and her hyperactiveness is not helping my hangover one bit. Yes, it's 8pm and I still have a hangover...

So, with just 2 days to go, I hope everyone has a great time. And if you're not going to, and I know for a few of my friends it wont be, I hope it goes as quickly and painlessly as possible.