Music to Make You Weep

When daughter number 2 told me she'd joined choir a couple of weeks ago I just smiled. Less than 6 weeks till schools out - what harm can it do?

And then it came - the letter - The school was presenting a musical evening - An Extravaganza!

A concert...

Of course I support my children in all their endeavours but I knew this was going to be painful. Very painful.

First you have to try and elegantly perch your butt on a child size chair and then hope the legs don't bend before dying. You then have to dodge the mothers you don't like. I tend to arrive just in time and sidle myself into a chair at the back

Choir were lovely. Lots of little voices in harmony (almost). My girl sang with gusto and kept grinning at me in between. Many thumbs up were exchanged

But before choir - orchestra!

Little Sally* murdered her violin. Kevin* played the clarinet but in a different key to everyone else. And Recorders, who the fuck inflicted Recorders on us parents?

Then if the collective noise wasn't enough, we then had the solos

Kudos for the guts to play in front of a big audience - yes parental guilt, um pride, filled the hall.
No kudos for the playing..

After the choir there was a nice interval - I checked the programme and realised my little darling wasn't in the second half. So, I did what any other bad mother would do

I sneaked out the back


* names changed to protect the innocent

Smiling Salmon

Tonight I saved a guy's life with salmon sperm

Seriously...

And it got me to thinking - How the fuck did they find out that worked??

We've all read those bizarre household tips and wondered how they realised how it worked. Who discovered that if you poured white wine on a red wine stain, it disappeared. Was someone so pissed they managed to spill both kinds of wine and woke up next morning dreading the cleanup to discover they didn't have to?

Anyway, I digress, back to the sperm

Tonight we had a guy who had been given too much Heparin. In order to stop him bleeding to death, we gave him Protamine. Which is salmon sperm

So, I got visuals of the discovery

Picture the scene

A guy is out in the wilderness. Hes getting his kicks from rubbing off a salmon when he catches his hand on a rock and cuts himself. He starts bleeding really badly because he's on blood thinners. However the salmon shoots its load all over the guys hand and it clots off and stops bleeding.

Eureka!!

but then that brings me to my next pondering

How do they collect it??

Is it like collecting milk from a cow? Are there salmon farms with salmon swimming around, suckers attached to their winkies?

Hey - Do salmon even have winkies?

Do they then die with a smile on their face and we then eat them?
God, the visuals.....

I also discovered this whilst googling

Hmmm, Pacific Northwest eh..... - who are they running from?