I started back to work today. Just a few hours, went nowhere near a patient, but it was good to be back.
It made me realise I need work to be me. Work is part of me and shapes my personality. As soon as that uniform goes on, I become a different person. I'm confident and self assured. I'm good at my job. I know I'm good at my job. I can say that without feeling embarrassed that I'm bragging. I had a good welcome back and people seemed pleased to see me. It didn't take long for junior staff to come to me with questions about things even though I wasn't technically on a clinical shift.
My manager had prepared the admin work she wants me to concentrate on in the coming weeks as I re-establish myself into work. It's good stuff, mostly done by much higher grades than me. Career wise it's great, gives me the edge if any promotion comes up. I get the chance to prove myself and Im going to grasp the opportunity with both hands.
In my out of work life, Im not so confident. I question myself frequently. I find it hard to maintain friendships because in my mind I don't really get why they'd want to know me. I expect things to end. When I did a Johari recently, it was easy to see who really knew me and who didn't. Some saw me as an extrovert which is way off mark. Thats a front, my wall, put up to protect. Few get past it. I've been trying to change this but being off work didn't help.
The past few weeks Ive been different. I'm sure I've pissed off people close to me. Without the work me, I became clingy, needy, wanting reassurance constantly. I see that now. Without the balance of the work me, the negative aspects of my personality came out. I realised this soon into my shift. I realised I needed to feel in control and work is where I do that. It allows me to put the kick ass into me
So, now I'm back in work, hopefully the normal me will come back. My positives will blend with my negatives and I'll be an easier person to live with
So, yeah, thanks for putting up with me these past couple of months....
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Hey Lisa. I've been avoiding yahoo IM lately for my own reasons. I guess I've been afraid that you guys are upset with me because of my not being able to come to SoCal next month, and well, I've had my own issues in my personal life, or lack of a personal life if further clarification is needed. Let's just say I haven't spoken to my guy in over two weeks, and I don't understand why. So I've been down about that, not really wanting to IM with anyone....I've needed the time to myself. I hope that I didn't upset you, or make you think I was trying to avoid you, because I wasn't at all. I just needed "me" time. Things haven't been right with me for a while--and I don't know how to fix them. Sorry, I'm rambling on and it's just a blog comment. I'll close by saying, "Woo hoo! Lisa is back to work and I'm happy for yah babes." I can only imagine what you were going through being cooped up at home for so long. I still love yah hun---and I plan on pole dancing with you someday soon. Even if we're all old and wrinkly and gray...LOL
i hope when i say that i understand this completely that you don't think i'm just saying it cause it's what i'm supposed to say. i really do get it, and i'm the same way.
i think the key, as you said, is balance. i'm glad you have work back if it helps you strike the right balance, and hey you have plenty of time before you retire to get yourself feeling confident in everything else too.
i'm sticking around to cling and be clung to, no matter what.
LOL-- at first I couldn't quite tell where your post ended and where Scooter's post began ;-P
Lots of people identify themselves through work, and it's great that you have a job that allows you to thrive so much.
Eek-- what are you going to do when you retire??
Hopefully, I would have learnt to kick ass by then without a pair of scrubs
Or I could just wear them anyway, they are comfy
I am glad you are feeling better about yourself now that you are back at work. Its sort of like your comfert zone. We always need something to be in control of.
Just try to take a deep breath and realize we are all human and need a little reassurance every once in a while. You are a great person and should never lose sight of that.
I can pretty much relate to this too Lisa. Ever since breaking my shoulder at putting myself out of work I have gone through a few of the emotions you have.
I'll be glad when I have something more tangible to occupy my days.
I'm glad to see the Lisa we all love is on the way back YAY!!
Go kick ass babes!!!
I'm the same way, but with things other than work, since I'm a housewife. I haven't played soccer in over a month, haven't really been to the gym, haven't been to book club, etc., so I can tell I haven't had an outlet for any "good Laura" to develop. Which helps explain the funk I get in! I like myself a lot more when I'm "good Laura" rather than "exhausted bitchy hausfrau Laura."
Yaay for you being back and for the back being not the pain of you all the time. Did that make sense? Anyway...I so feel you on this, luv. What I do is part of who I am in a away that people who don't have a passion cannot get.
-N
ok so the you that i've got to know in the last couple of months isn't the real you, so now you're going to morph back into the old you...that i don't know
fair enough, i'm sure i can cope with that!
glad you're enjoying being back at work
Does this mean you might be a cylone?
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