Perils of my Job

Wow, this happened a year ago but I still get ribbed about it. I have been atacked by crazy patients since, but this was one of the, uh, funnier ones....
It's ok to giggle,laugh even, because after all the piss-taking in work I can handle it.

At 5am I was bleeped by Sarah. This is not unusual for Sarah who is so loathe to make any decisions for herself that I'm surprised she can get up in the morning without bleeping me for permission. So when she frantically told me a patient had gone doolally and was wrecking the ward, I laughed and finished my tea. My colleague was as intrigued as me so decided to join me "for a laugh" - remember this - for a laugh

We entered the ward to find 2 burly security guards cowering by the door. Again I was not surprised because if there's any trouble, hospital security will always be seen to make a hasty exit in the other direction.

As we turned the corner I was met with the sight of a tiny lady, who barely reached my chest, in the corridor with 4 nurses surrounding her.

"Hello Mrs Jones" I said, confidently assuming that on seeing the navy Sister's uniform she would back down. It usually works - the older generation respect the good old sister.

"Who the fuck are you?" she replied. Great start.

She then started screaming at the top of her voice:
"Are you dead? - you lot - are you dead? - Wheres my son - get me out of this fucking place!"

So 5 minutes of exchange followed with me assuring her that I would phone her son as soon as she sat by her bed quietly - all the while she continued screaming at the other patients who at this point had begun screaming back.

Him: "Shut up, you silly old cow - it's 5 Oclock"
Her: "fuck off or I'll kill you"
Him: "Come and try"

Eventually I persuaded her to come back to her bed for a cup of tea while we waited for her son.
I got her back to her bed and everybody disappeared. My colleague had gone to phone the doc for some sedation and the ward staff - well they ALL found other things to do to run off and hide.

Just as I went to sit her down she flew at the bed next to her, grabbing the poor unconscious soul in there.

"Hey you - wake up before they kill you. Are you asleep, I say, are you asleep?"

Enoughs enough, I grabbed her by the shoulders and "guided" her back to bed. As I let her go, I thought as she leant over the bed that she was getting in. When..........CRACK!!!!
She swung round like a whippet and smacked me clean across the face - a full Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman slap. I honestly did not see it coming - my hands were still by my side - defence reflexes didn't even have chance to kick in.

My HDU instincts kicked in and I picked her up and threw her on the bed pinning her down under the blankets. All the while my face was throbbing like you wouldn't believe. She screamed and kicked and loudly exclaimed I was hurting her!

The NA then turned up with her tea. That calmed her down and she sat up like a lamb to drink it. Then just as I said "No!, not a china....."Crash! the tea went flying, china cup following.

Well the doc turned up - late as usual -and a nice heavy dose of Lorazepam followed leaving her well out of it. However it took 6, count em, 6 of us to hold her down to give it.

Meanwhile my colleague has been talking to her son who reveals Mother doesn't like hospitals and sometimes gets a little upset. Ok, I dont want to see her when she's very upset!

I can laugh now but bloody hell it hurt and now everyone knows I got beat by a tiny little old granny. My colleague tried to be sympathetic - she did - but the tears rolling down her face gave it away.

This will take months to live down.