You Don't have to be Mad to Work here, but it Helps!

Again, an archived blog, but people are always asking for funny or gross stories about my job. I find it difficult to tell stories about work because its just all too normal for me but I did do a selection of funny tales so here it is. I'll try and think of some more soon for those that have seen this before

Nurses have a black sense of humour that few non-medical people understand - non nurses that come on a nurses' night out are horrified by our witty stories so I 'll have to be careful here not to spoil the "nurses are angels" theory (which we all hate by the way).

Gross stories - What you would call gross is probably normal to me which is probably why I can't think of any. Ten minutes ago, an ileostomy bag burst all over my arm - is that gross?. Bodily fluids landing about my person is probably as gross as it gets although when it hits your face that is pretty disgusting.

The only "gross" story I can think of is last christmas. We had a huge lady in and I mean huge. We needed to get a tube into her bladder. Sounds easy enough, but we couldnt actually find the anatomy that was hiding somewhere under a huge stomach. So, ever ingenious souls that we are, we took a sheet, put it under her stomach and when the lucky nurse had the tube ready, we pulled her stomach up. It took 2 nurses each side of the sheet to hold it. Deb could have done with a pit lamp and a peg as there were bits of flesh down there that hadn't seen water or the light of day for a long time, but all credit to her she managed to get the tube in.

Funny Stories - Well you all loved the granny slapping me but I wont bore you with all the injuries I've sustained in the line of fire.

There are many stories about people that come into hospital with objects where they shouldn't be. You wouldn't actually believe how often it happens or the damage they can do.

We had a guy from theatre who had bowel surgery and a formation of a stoma. The reason? - His mistress had been a bit enthusiastic whilst shoving a aerosol can up his jacksy and when she pulled it out, the lid stayed put and eventually perforated his bowel. Now, to me, the funniest thing is imagining the scene in the hotel room. They must have tried for hours to get that baby out before they admitted defeat and came into hospital. His poor wife arrived distraught, thinking he was on a business trip but he lied through his teeth and concocted a story about a bowel illness - what a jerk!

There was also the time when we had a lady die that was too big for the mortuary trolley. Strangely, the mortuary is situated right next to the cafe and it was a busy afternoon with people everywhere. So we left her in bed, put an oxygen mask on her, propped her up in the bed and just went for it. The porter kept knocking the side of the bed and after a few times I asked him why. His reply? - when he hit the side of the bed her fat wobbled and it looked like she was breathing!

And lastly, we had a man admitted following a stabbing. He was coming to us before he went to theatre. He arrived, sat up, wide awake with a 8" knife handle sticking out of his chest!. He had done it himself and began telling all the aghast relatives around the unit that the voices in his head told him to do it. Cleared the place in minutes - must have him in again.....

Which reminds me of a tale one of my consultants tells of when he was a junior dr in Cardiothoracics. A guy was repeatedly admitted with self inflicted stabbings to the chest, but he always managed to miss vital organs and systems. So one day, pissed off with him coming in yet again, a dr took a felt tip pen and drew a big cross over his heart. There he said, next time get it right. Two weeks later, the guy came in DOA - with a knife right in the middle of the cross.
I'll leave it there.......