When you can't Find a Bottle Opener.....

"You can't come to Benidorm without seeing Sticky Vicky"

This is what I was being told. I was led on a Spanish sun lounger in August, soaking up the rays, one eye on my girls, then 5 and 2, paddling in the kiddies pool right next to me. The rest of my attention was focused on Julie, one of two couples of mad Liverpudlians I'd met over there. Kids making friends, you know the way.

We'd fallen into a predictable pattern. Drinking in the Hotel bar at night then taking turns to sample the Benidorm nightlife, husbands the one night, wives the next.

Tonight was our turn and it seemed Sticky Vicky was the entertainment planned. They told me she was a stripper....

So, there I was, bottle of Bud in one hand and, um, well, a bottle of Bud in the other. Well, it was packed and the bar queue was long...I watched giddily as the hypnotist on stage made a woman simulate sex with a straw donkey. Yes, it was high class entertainment on view tonight.

Then the hypnotist was gone. The bar fell silent, I could feel the expectation in the air - along with the smell of vomit. Lusty young men dived for the nearest seats they could find to the dance floor in the middle of the bar, where the entertainment was focused.

I was somewhat surprised when Sticky Vicky walked out . Firstly she was old. Nice body, good pair of tits, but old. And she was wearing just a thong with a feather boa drapped ceremoniously around her neck. I was to learn the purpose of this boa in the next few minutes.

I'm perched on a ridiculously high stool, more than slightly inebriated, watching a stripper who started her floorshow with no clothes on. I was confused. I turned to my new Liverpudlian friends with a quizzical look on my face

"Just Watch"

And watch I did, as Vicky lost the thong and produced an item from her "natural pocket"

"what the fu....."

I couldn't finish my sentence as a candle, a long green candle, appeared. She tapped it on some poor guy's head to prove it was solid then lit it

Then a light bulb - not just a light bulb but a fully working, glowing in the dark, light bulb. Jesus Christ, she had a battery pack up there.....

At regular intervals the feather boa was gracefully placed in front of her. I'd cleverly worked out this was to insert more items in her handy little inside handbag, although you never actually saw any items going in - clever....

And she continued - I can't remember all the items she pulled out but there were lots. I do recall a string of razor blades at one point

Oh and a bottle of beer, which she then took the cap off - with her pussy of course. As I had a bottle of Bud poised at my mouth at the time, it darn well nearly put me off, but only nearly.

And then she was gone

Sticky Vicky has been a regular feature of Benidorm Nightlife entertainment for many years, going from one pub/nightclub to the next, feather boa trailing behind her.

It was an experience - that's all I can say

So, what do you do when you've just sat and watched pussy gymnastics?

Go and find the male strippers of course - they were good too. Big boys, every last one of them...